The Ultimate Secret Agent Car

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I’m sure everyone has dreamed of being a super spy like James Bond, Derek Flint, or Austin Powers.  I know I have.  But there are requirements to be a truly great secret agent.  You need style.  You need panache.  You need bravado.  You need skills.  You need intelligence.  But most of all, you need a really cool car!  Not just any car, mind you, but rather a car that can give the Batmobile a run for its money.

What would such a car be like in the real world?  Forget about the Italian supercar styling.  This car is going to have to look like a regular civilian automobile, but have a mind-blowing array of technology underneath, as sort of a wolf in sheep’s clothing.  But that technology alone would make it more than impressive.

Armor

One of the things that really make a great secret agent car is the bulletproofing.  Nothing (and I mean nothing) is more impressive than a car that nobody can damage by shooting at it!  The right armor is what separates a great spy car from a Prius.

The first armor I would put on would be a personal favorite concept of mine, the single molecule armor.  Each panel on the exterior is a gigantic single molecule.  This is accomplished by using “building block” components, most likely made of carbon (C₄, C₅, C₆, C₈, etc.), to build a larger and larger molecule, with other atoms used to terminate the connections.  When something breaks, it’s because the molecules which make it up have been separated.  But when it’s one single molecule, there can be no separation, and therefore, cannot break or be penetrated by bullets.  While this armor might be a little bit heavier, it can also be a lot thinner due to its durability.

For the windows, I would go with a real-world version of modern Treknology.  The windows should be made of transparent aluminum.  By putting aluminum oxynitride (AlON) through intense pressure followed by intense heat and then polishing, a substance is created that can stop a .50 caliber sniper round when only about an inch thick!

Add some run-flat tires and the car is ready to take on the world!

The Powerplant

What the car needs next is a really cool engine.  Nothing (and I mean nothing) is more impressive than a car that has a powerful engine!  The engine should allow the car to outrun most anything that would try to chase it.  We need some heavy power!  The choice of engine would be an engine made by Shelby Supercars (SSC).  The engine for the Tuatara would be ideal (1350 horsepower).  As of this writing, it’s not available yet.  But by the time our car would be built, it should be!  It won’t have the aerodynamics that the Tuatara would have, but it doesn’t have to.  It’s probably not going to be chased by a Tuatara.  It should have hydraulic lifting to lower its profile and allow the best aerodynamics possible.  That’s right, we’re making a Low Rider!

But what if we want to go all The Spy Who Loved Me on our pursuers?  A car can’t turn into a submarine with an internal combustion engine unless there is a snorkel (which limits depth), super-oxygenated fuel as if it were some sort of rocket fuel, or an on-board oxygen supply for the engine.  Plus, the escaping exhaust would be a dead giveaway as to the underwater car’s location.  So we’ll need a battery supply for electrical backup.  Luckily, batteries are being developed which imitate capacitors, thus allowing them to charge very quickly (just a couple of minutes).  So the engine charges the batteries which then kick in when the car goes into the water.  And that leads us to …

Off-Road Capability

The ultimate secret agent car would need to be able to go beyond roads to carry out its operations.  Nothing (and I mean nothing) is more impressive than a car that can go where other cars can’t go!  So what are our options here?

As mentioned in the last section, the car would go into water.  The submarine is one option.  The dive planes would extend out from the sides of the vehicle.  We shouldn’t forget to make it air-tight of course.  Otherwise the man of mystery would either have to be equipped with SCUBA gear or have gills.  The car can then go to periscope depth where an air intake can allow rubber pontoons on the vehicle’s underside to inflate, turning it into a boat.  Let the air out, and it’s a submarine again.

Next, although a little more mundane, it would have good tires and shocks.  The hydraulics can lift the chassis a bit higher than normal.  At which point, it becomes a vehicle with limited off-road capabilities.  I wouldn’t use it in Rally Car though.  It’s not so much as it’s ability to keep up with the competition as it is that there’s too much temptation to blow its cover by using the next technology.

And what is that technology?  It would be a Negative Energy Generating Apparatus (NEGA) of course!  Let’s give it some off-ground capabilities by giving it the ability to create a warp field and fly!  You want a flying car?  Here’s your flying car!

Armament

A great spy car needs to be armed to the grille with powerful weapons.  Nothing (and I mean nothing) is more impressive than a car that can, quite literally, blow away the competition!  And not just any armament will do.

The first one I would put in would be a Gatling gun with a motor.  While not as fancy as a minigun, it most certainly is more reliable.  Besides, it’s the ammo that really makes the difference.  The U.S. Military has developed a bullet that can track its target.  Think about that.  A bullet can track its freaking target!!!  If you don’t think that’s better than a bacon cheeseburger with awesome sauce, there’s another bullet that can explode in the air and shower the target below with shrapnel!  Can you imagine if they did this with 12 gauge rifled slugs?  Just don’t forget to coat the slugs with Teflon.  That’s because when they’re being shot at, bad guys have a strange tendency to get behind stuff.

Now just conceal rockets under the grille, headlights, and taillights, and the super spy is ready to rock!

That is, except for a few tricks for anyone who might be pursuing.  For this, we have an oil slick, caltrops, and ball bearings.  They can’t chase if they have no traction!

Computer Control

Finally, no spy car is complete without an on-board computer.  Nothing (and I mean nothing) is more impressive than a car that has an awesome computer to control it!  Actually, it would probably have two computers.  One would be a simple computer to regulate the on-board systems.  This can be something as a simple 700 MHz Raspberry Pi board, available for as little as $25, and add a touch screen.  The other computer, which would plug in to the on-board system, would be a smartphone, either an iPhone or something Android based.  This would not only provide the means of outside communication and Internet and cloud access, but it would also allow voice command.  Siri on iPhone or Android apps like Skyvi or Utter would give a real Star Trek computer-like experience.  Or one could give it an artificial intelligence, a personality, and a male voice and call it K.I.T.T.!

Speaking of K.I.T.T., Google is experimenting with cars that drive themselves using GPS, road data, and sensors to detect lights, intersections, and other cars.  Wouldn’t it be great to have a car that can drive itself?  It can even help double your efforts when fighting the bad guys, defending freedom, and picking up the hot chicks!

So there you have it.  There is the means of a car James Bond would envy and the Batmobile might even fall short of.  Just wait until after you’re done driving to have a dry martini, shaken, not stirred.  Or just have K.I.T.T. drive for you.  It’s what he’s there for … you lush.