ONCE UPON A TIME There Was a Boy Who Lied

Episode 218 “Selfless, Brave and True”

[Photos: Jack Rowand/ABC]

Yes, this is late. It happens. Sorry. Allergies, NFL, Barbecue… things happen.

Onward!

This episode, we get all kinds of questions answered, and a new set of questions put into place. We finally learn the fate of Pinocchio after the curse was broken, and along the way get the back story on just where he was when the curse went into effect.

In the modern day, Pinocchio has been hanging out in an abandoned RV in the middle of the woods. And it’s an RV that’s out near where everyone has wandered in the woods for how long now? And no one’s seen it until this episode? When it’s conveniently placed near the place where Snow White fires off a bunch of arrows to clear her head? Who’s RV is it? Where did it come from?

In a completely “beating you over the head” method, the writers make it abundantly clear that the whole episode revolves around honesty and being true and selfless. And it makes no bones about giving several characters a line or two each to that effect. Frankly, it got annoying after a bit — we get it already — but it seems to be the Hollywood trend these days. It’s not just this show that assumes audiences are too thick in the head for subtlety…

At any rate, the time for confessions has come for some of our intrepid crew. That includes Geppetto, who finally admits that he lied to Snow White to save his son, sending Pinocchio through the wardrobe with Emma. The slap that comes out of nowhere is totally justified, even if Snow’s heart didn’t have that pesky black spot on it. Her horror at her hand pulling an Evil Dead kind of move seems a little unrealistic. I mean, come on. This guy just admitted that he prevented her from going through the portal with her newborn daughter. Who wouldn’t react harshly? Of course, it’s Snow White, and she totally forgives Geppetto in the next breath. Because they have to get to the next part of the story and can’t linger on resentment this episode.

The other wrinkle in the fabric is the appearance of Tamara, who comes to Storybrooke ostensibly to be with Neal — because, you know, they’re getting married and all — and when Neal tries to fess up to his real identity, she flips out. Angry that he’s trying to pull some kind of fast one to get out of the engagement and get back with Henry’s mother, uh-huh. Just like Oprah said.

Only Tamara isn’t all that she seems, either. She knows a lot more than she’s telling. Because as we see in the bulk of the episode, told in the past, she’s got a history with August.

They were both searching for something that can’t be found in this world — magic. August wakes up at 8:15 just as the curse is hitting, and his leg has turned to wood. Because, well… he didn’t keep his promise to watch over Emma and now Very Bad Things are going to happen. And instead of being “selfless, brave and true” like the Blue Fairy instructed, he tries to dive into his dishonesty even further, seeking a magic remedy to his ailment rather than live up to his obligations. Remember, the Blue Fairy said it’s up to Pinocchio to stay real.

His search takes him to Hong Kong, where he finds a man called “The Dragon” — and honestly, I kept expecting to see a Mogwai or something. I really did. Dragon sees Pinocchio’s condition for what it is: his failure to be all that he can be. Turns out the Dragon isn’t all he seems to be, either.

This we learn as Tamara confronts him. Yes, it seems she’s in the same place looking for the same thing. Only her motives are not quite so clear. She says she’s there to find a cure for a rare form of cancer, but she’s actually got far more insidious motives than that. Only we don’t know what they are yet. But we do know she’s deadly, as she comes out on top of her confrontation with the Dragon — and what creature was he? Was he Mushu? (Since he’s a minor character at this point, we’ll probably get an entire episode dedicated to his back story. Look for it within six…)

So, Tamara knows more than she’s letting on. And she knows August from back in the day. And she’s in Storybrooke for some nefarious purpose. And she’s only engaged to Neal because she saw him talking with August in New York and is scamming to get on the inside. Who is she working for? What’s her ultimate goal?

And judging by the Twitter blowup, how in the name of Sam Hill can her little taser kill anyone? Stun guns don’t work that way, a fact almost the entire Twitterverse pointed out right after it happened — both times, when she killed the Dragon and when she killed August.

Wait. Yep. Her electric stun gun not only worked against August in his wooden form, but also was powerful enough to kill him.

And don’t start with “maybe it’s a magic taser” because up until now Tamara has been looking for magic and hasn’t found it until she met the Dragon. So where did Magic Taser come from?

Quibble Two: August’s noble sacrifice is enough to turn him back into a “real boy” — just as the Blue Fairy said it would — only it turns him back into cherub-faced Pinocchio in lederhosen just before he dies. Now how is he supposed to work with that?

And what’s Tamara’s connection with Owen? Besides being a bed partner? Oh, Once Upon a Time, you have some ‘splainin’ to do…

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[Official Show Site at ABC]     [Previous recap: “Welcome to Storybrooke”]