No Secret: WALKING DEAD Keeps Missing the Target

Season 2, episode 6: “Secrets”

Timothy: Hello! Welcome back to Dustin Adair and my reviews for the 2nd season of AMC’s “The Walking Dead”, once again joined by the Tweet tweet presence of Mr. Curtis Smith, where each week we recap and review the adventures of Team Zombie and their explorations of the soap opera as punctuated by the undead. Or perhaps I’m giving away things too soon… let’s see shall we?

And lest I forget, there be SPOILERS here…

Dustin: We are warned of sexual situations very first thing. We’ll see about that AMC. We. Will. SEE.

Lori and Carl feed chickens while one of the Green Farmers… I think this is Hershel’s nurse and the Late Otis’ wife… whose name I forget, does something in the chicken coop.

Huh. Carl seems awfully well healed for someone who just had major surgery. How long have they been at the farm? How long has Sophia been missing?

Carl is concerned for some chicks that’s mother has disappeared since the last time he was out there. Lori says the mamma hen is probably somewhere. Carl says she’s probably dead. Meanwhile the nameless Green Farmer (Marge? Mable?) takes a chicken to a shed and breaks its legs. I wonder how many hilarious shenanigans they went through before they learned this little trick? She then puts the chicken in a bag with several other mutilated chickens and takes it out to the barn to feed the walkers. The Green Farmers are so sick. It’s awesome.

Tim does not wish to go to the Green farm.

Please, I’ll be good, I promise!

Glenn looks through some binoculars at the barn. Maggie walks up and tries to convince him to keep what he saw there to himself. And Glenn tells her he is crap at secrets. I hope this does not constitute another 6 episodes of nothing happening. Anyway, Maggie hands him some fruit and he goes about delivering it to all his friends to whom he is allowed to tell exactly nothing.

Creepy_Curtis Curtis Smith
@timothyharvey Glenn’s not gonna keep his mouth shut. Nuh uh.

Dale is first, and at this moment, he has on his Perceptive Geriatric hat. He asks Glenn what is up with him and Glenn nearly loses it running away from the question. 

Meanwhile, Andrea stops by to see Daryl, bringing him a book to say she’s sorry, you know, for that whole shooting him in the head thing? He continues to be the coolest guy around by telling her it’s okay, that she was just trying to protect the group. And you know, that’s really nice of him, because in reality? She was being a bleeding idiot. Of course, he also tells her that if she plans on shooting him again, she better make sure he’s dead. Andrea laughs, but I’m pretty sure Daryl means it.

And that’s the last we see of Daryl this episode, and after last week, I think he needs a week off.

Next on Glenn’s ‘Mum’s the Word’ tour is Lori. He confronts her about the secret baby, saying she needs a pillow or something, then offers to help her any way he can. Lori tells him to shut up and he leaves. I guess she wasn’t in the mood for peaches and hard truths.

Meanwhile back in Pointless Land: Rick, Shane and Cannon Fodder try to figure out the next step on the search for Sophia. My guess would be body sniffing dogs, but that’s just me. Glenn brings them fruit and freaks out about being in the presence of both potential fathers and runs for the hills.

Whew! We’re finally getting back to finding the missing girl! I mean now that they have a safe base of operations and so many people to help look, they should find her in no time. Really, we can’t leave her out there in the zombie infested woods!

Two of the Green daughters ask to be included on the gun training. After the kerfuffle of implied consent Rick and Hershel went through last week, Rick says he’s going to have to ask Hershel for their permission himself. He heads off to do that as Carl asks Shane if he can join the shooting practice, too. Shane hems and haws, but it’s a kind of moot point, because Carl’s already secretly carrying a gun around.

This leads to a meeting of the Team Zombie elders. With Lori freaking the freak out all over Dale for letting Carl go into the RV unsupervised, Shane for considering teaching Carl to shoot and Rick for wanting to give him permission. Rick tries to convince her that Carl learning to shoot would be a better option that allowing him to be afraid of guns. Lori  is all ‘not my baby’ but everyone tells her she is being so Pre-Zombie-Apocalypse about the whole thing and finally she consents.

OK, since we got that out of the way, now we search for Sophia, right guys? Guys?

Everyone heads out for a little target practice.

Oh for god’s sake.

Rick calls for Glenn to join them, but Glenn says he doesn’t want to go learn to shoot because Dale needs him to help do something fake. Dale, of course is standing right behind Glenn and  catches the lie and covers for him.

Creepy_Curtis Curtis Smith
@timothyharvey That didn’t take long. Poor Glenn.

Once they are alone, Dale asks Glenn what is going on. Glenn calls Dale old and then spews all over him about the Lori’s situation and the walkers in the barn. Dale will ruin everything; you just watch.

At gun practice, everyone shoots bottles except for Andrea who is shooting holes in signs with her sniper rifle. I still want to know where the hell she got that thing. Andrea has proved herself good enough with a gun for Shane hand her a pistol and she shoots it pretty well, too.  Shane and Andrea flirt a little, but Shane only has eyes for Rick’s family.

K, practice time is over, good, good, preparing is good… now, we all go look for SOPHIA!

Dale, now wearing his Meddling Old Coot hat, confronts Hershel about the walkers in only the way two old timers can. With, like, metaphors or something. Dale has the good sense to leave Glenn out of the conversation. Hershel tries to argue that the walkers are still people, and that they are just sick. Dale tries to explain to Hershel that they are Freakin’ Zombies and are a danger. Hershel seems to think that cannibalistic corpses are no more dangerous than a guy who has gone off his antipsychotics, and Dale gives probably the best ‘Are you kidding me’ face of the episode. Dale raises about a million good points, but Hershel has family in the barn, so he’s not going to budge. Dale suggests that they tell Rick about the barn, but Hershel says no.

Creepy_Curtis Curtis Smith
@timothyharvey I think Hershel’s crazy. Round the bend. Off his crank. A looney.

If stuff continues to happen on this show, I’m going to have to become a faster typist.

Um, guys? Little girl? Lost in the woods?

An unspecified amount of time later, Lori goes out to where Hershel is mending a fence and they make silly small talk about Carl and Lori thanks him for all he did. Hershel, not exactly feeling hospitable anymore, tells her she better start packing. Lori is not amused.

Meanwhile, Andrea is in Advanced Stump Shooting with Shane. She can’t seem to get the hang of shooting a moving target, and I’m guessing that Shane standing over her yelling in her ear is not helping.  Shane badgers her about being weak and tells her to shoot like a man. He yells about her about how shooting walkers is not going to be easy, and how she should think of them as the walker that ate her sister Amy. With the name of her sister used against her, Andrea gets all pissed and walks away.  Way to go, Shane.

Lori tells Rick that Hershel expects them to leave this will be a surprise to Team Zombie. Rick confirms that he knows this, and Lori is not happy about it. Lori tells him that it will be horrible if they have to leave, and Rick says he knows, and he’s working on it. He tells her to trust him, but Lori is scared on a number of levels and rick is not… you know what I just can’t. I hate these overdramatic little moments.

Shane catches up with Andrea in the car and offers her a ride, but she’s still pissed at him, and he tries to tell her that he’s just being hard on her because it’s different when you’re shooting a “live” target. Somewhere in there he sort of apologizes for bringing up her sister… it’s so nice to know that Shane notices when he crosses the line. Goodness he’s a well-adjusted man.

Oh. Right.

As an odd way of making up for it, he tells her that he’s going to look for Sophia, and he’d like her along as backup. Whew! Thank goodness! They’re all, well, some, well, um two, um. Ye gods. The two crazies are going to look for the kid. I am filled with optimism.

Back at camp Lori is disgusted by the smell of something and Dale sees.  He takes the opportunity to put on his Understanding Father Figure hat to tell her that he knows she is pregnant. He makes it all about him for a minute to cover for Glenn.  Looks like Dale is keeping Glenn out of the fire on all counts so good for him. Lori tells Dale that she hasn’t told Rick about the baby and Dale switches to his Gossipy Teenager hat to ask if it’s because of Shane.

Lori’s eyes bug out of her head so bad, I worry they are going to pop out of her skull.

Dale says no one knows about her and Shane but him and Lori talks about how she’s a crappy person who lives in the past. Dale tells her to snap the hell out of it and think about the future. Lori asks him to confirm for her that he thinks the baby can grow to a ripe old age and when Dale can’t, she runs away.

Creepy_Curtis Curtis Smith
@timothyharvey Why is Lori not even showing? Hasn’t her husband been back for months? What’s the time line on this?

Glen chops wood and Lori comes up and Glenn apologizes. Lori tells him she needs help she sends him to town for some items. I bet she wants some good old abortion pills.

Creepy_Curtis Curtis Smith
@timothyharvey DAMMIT. One goblin. all I ask.

Maggie and Glenn head into town, but Maggie is giving him the silent treatment for not keeping the secret. If only Glenn had told her that he was crap at keeping secrets, oh wait, he DID. This leads to an argument about the nature of the walkers, where Glenn points out, rightly, that they are dead things that eat the living, and Maggie is all unsure, and by the way really hates that Glenn calls them walkers. When Glenn asks what she calls them he gets this in response:

“I call them Mom. And Sean. And Mr. and Mrs. Fisher and Lacy and Duncan.”

Ouch.

Glenn gives Maggie part of the list and Maggie get all snitty and goes to look back behind the pharmacy counter. I bet her mind about walkers is about to be changed.

Suddenly Maggie is attacked by a Ninja Zombie! A Stealth Zombie! A Story Point Zombie! A Cheap Scare Zombie! Because the ONLY reason Maggie is attacked here is to drive home the point that the zombies aren’t just sick people, and since it makes no sense whatsoever that the zombie would just appear out of nowhere… look, they’ve been in the pharmacy for minutes arguing. Loudly. It’s only when Maggie walks away on her own that the zombie, not traditionally known for cunning plans, attacks her. C’mon guys… between this, the zombie behind a tree attacking Andrea and the sound-proof chain link fence? It’s a little insulting.

Calm down. Of course Glenn goes to the rescue. He nearly cuts off its head, but it doesn’t fall until he bashes its brains in. Maggie watches the whole thing. Glen is a bad ass mo’ fo’.

Well yes, yes he is.

Creepy_Curtis Curtis Smith
@timothyharvey Glenn saved his lady. Now for more intercourse.

Andrea and Shane drive through a neighborhood looking for Sophia.  Yeah. This is a great idea. They are going to go house to house looking. Because this isn’t exactly the type of place that’s crawling with undead monsters.

Lori gets Maggie’s special delivery. It’s all about Maggie’s rage at sending Glenn into a dangerous situation for lotion and shampoo and, oh, I was right. Abortion pills. I can’t believe Lori put superfluous items on the list when all she really wanted was the abortion pills. Like she’s a 14-year-old buying condoms or something. 

Creepy_Curtis Curtis Smith
@timothyharvey Who would have thought it would be so easy to find abortion pills after the zombie (not goblin) apocalypse.

Maggie is not happy. Maggie is all full of piss and vinegar. So full in fact that she face rapes Glenn. Then she calls him smart and full of leadership potential that the other members of Team Zombie don’t see. Maggie basically calls Glenn out for being awesome. I’m right there with you, girl.

Andrea and Shane look for Sophia in a house. Where they find…. dead bodies and … not much else. Looks like the last folks there tried to burn the walkers and got caught up in it themselves. Good job, effects team.

Yeah… this charnel house is exactly the kind of place a small girl wouldn’t hide in, but of course, they keep searching it as if… nope. Seriously, there is no reason at all for them to be searching this house. Unless you count making lots of noise to draw zombies so they attack you, that is.

Shane goes all Rambo on them, and Andrea… tries to make body shots. What, Andrea? In her panic, Andrea’s gun jams and she freaks out even more. But Shane chooses to make this a teaching moment and tells her to focus and that he has her back. Finally, after 12 episodes of being a horrible, whiny mess, Andrea connects to her inner badass and turns into Rambo, too.

Glenn goes to Lori and tells her about the attack on Maggie and Lori is all full of sad face. Glenn says he always comes back and asks if the morning after pills will work. He also got her prenatal vitamins. Lori is just a cup running over with sad. Glenn asks her if they are friends and she say that after all they have been through they are much more than friends. He tells her that she shouldn’t make her choice alone.

I just love Glenn this episode. He is so full of compassion and goodness. If Lori is looking for an example of what a life in the new world would look like, she needs to look to Glenn. Glenn had a crappy job before, he hated his life, but now in the new world, he is happier and more useful than he ever was before. He can get in and out of dangerous situations without a scratch, he can defend himself and those he loves, and on top of that, he never hesitates to show compassion and humanity in the face of tough decisions. If we are looking for a heart and soul of this show, it’s not Daryl or Rick or Lori. It’s Glenn.

You’re right, and I think it’s really interesting that the two characters you and I care the most about on this show are Glenn and Daryl, who aren’t actually the “main” characters. Both of them are flawed, insecure, and very very human, and have more common sense than the others combined. I think we need a spinoff.

In the aftermath of their neighborhood shootout, Andrea and Shane are riding back to the Green Farm in silence. Andrea is smiling to herself. Suddenly, she reaches across the console and into Shane’s lap where she finds a nice handful. Shane is shocked for about three seconds before he undoes his seat belt and they kiss. Yes… they totes bone.

Creepy_Curtis Curtis Smith
@timothyharvey “come on then.” Best foreplay ever.

Lori cries a million bitter tears before pounding a handful of morning after pills. Then she runs out into the woods to throw them up. What a range she has. Crazy sad and crazy sad.

OK, kids? Do not try this at home, because this is wrong on a LOT of levels. Sure, Lori is desperate and afraid and crazy sad and all, but the morning after pills are for, wait for it, the morning after. Actual abortion pills? Not in your neighborhood pharmacy. But speaking of the pharmacy… why exactly haven’t the Green Farm folks cleaned this place out by now? Why haven’t they taken every last thing back to the farm, you know, the one without (well mostly) free range zombies? I mean, that would make a LOT of sense but then again, we have established a shortage of that around these parts. Case in Point:

Andre and Shane come back and Dale puts on his Crazy Andrea Stalker hat asks what happened, because he can tell they boned. Andrea says it was a dead-end and heads off to tell Rick with Carol.
Dale tells Shane that it’s time for him to leave. Because that’s totally his decision to make for Shane. And Andrea. And Team Zombie for that matter. And we all remember how great it turned out last time Dale made a decision for Andrea.  Dale is horrifyingly short-sighted. Shane says he is not going anywhere. So Dale calls out Shane about Otis and Dale is not a good guy for any of this conversation. You know what, Dale? How about you let Andrea and Shane get together? That way Shane can forget about Lori and Andrea can get on with her life. Hey! That sounds like a great idea!

No? Okay…

Instead, Dale says he knows what kind of man Shane is. He even brings up how he saw Shane almost shot Rick in season 1. Shane asks if Dale thinks he would have actually shot his best friend. Dale says he does. So, rightly in my opinion, Shane asks him what he thinks he would do to a useless old man who was throwing around accusations. Shane says he would never shoot Rick but he might just end Dale. Please. Put us all out of our misery, Shane, I beg you.

Back at the family tent, Rick finds the morning after pills and does that dumbfounded sad thing he does so well before going for a sadness hike.

Creepy_Curtis Curtis Smith
@timothyharvey Uh-oh. somebody forgot to clean up their abortion procedure mess. Thank god. Plot and conflict again.

He finds Lori and confronts her. Lori tells him that she threw the pills up. They have the exact conversation they have been having since before time began and zombies roamed the Earth. It’s tedious. Rick is pissed, and I kind of agree with him. Lori is kind of awful in this storyline. But she can see into the future, that baby is full on doomed. And so is she. ((Spoilers!!! If the comics are any guide.))

Rick tells her they can make it work. Lori says she wants end the pregnancy because it’s a liability.
But Rick is all: why?
And Lori is all: I don’t want to give birth in a ditch.
And Rick is all: Tell me the truth!
And Lori is all: I boinked Shane so it might not be yours.
And Rick is all: Duh.
And Lori is all: Wah?
And Rick is all: Double duh, I was dead.
And Lori is all: OMG

Creepy_Curtis Curtis Smith
@timothyharvey thank goodness. get it all out in the open. FINALLY.

And I am all: Fall off a cliff, you guys.
And Rick is all:  I don’t blame you have you seen his abs? If you were dead I would boink him, too.
Bonding.

Creepy_Curtis Curtis Smith
@timothyharvey But where in the hell is that little girl? SERIOUSLY. Is nobody even concerned anymore?

I couldn’t have said it better myself. Sigh.

Well, clearly some things are very clear this week. First, when Dustin comes up with something like Dale’s Hats? You let him have the lion’s share of the review because it’s freaking funny. But then, I do get the last word, so it balances out. Second, and I think this is our lesson for the week, should you be out with Team Zombie, and not be the nominal lead of the show, or his messed up wife, or his amazingly fast healing son, or his crazy “best friend”, a suicidal woman with a gun fetish, a meddling old man, a noble redneck or a young man with a heart of gold?

Don’t get lost in the zombie filled woods because these schmucks will just leave you out there to deal on your own. And don’t even get me started on your mom, because apparently after a few days she’ll be ready to write you off. Gee. Thanks mom.

Sigh. OK then, next week is the mid-season finale, where I’m sure more things will happen. Probably involving the barn. Just a theory.

We’ll see you all then!

[Official Show Site at AMC]