GAME OF THRONES: The House of Black and Nope

 

Episode 502 “The House of Black and White”

 

Here we go again; we have survived another week. Constantly looking over our shoulders in case the “Sons of the Harpy” have decided to invade our world. too. And looking at the sky, just in case Drogon is trying to find his next Happy Meal. The intro finally shows Braavos, which means we will probably see our beloved little spitfire Arya Stark again, putting to shame every preteen and teen runaway. How old is she supposed to be at this point? Fifteen?

While you are worrying over whether you should shower tonight or tomorrow morning, little Arya Stark is poking throats and dodging armies.

Arya is seen on the wonderful ship, arriving to wonderful Braavos, where they sail under the skirt of this giant statue protector warrior that tells me it won’t be the last time we encounter him. The nice captain takes Arya to a little cube-castle in the middle of the ocean; the House of Black and White, which is said to be the headquarters for the Faceless Men of Braavos.

We remember the gorgeous Jaqen H’ghar, who was in debt with Arya after being freed from Harrenhal and serving as her infallible hitman for a while. The youngest Stark daughter knocks on the door of the House and is received by a man who is definitely not Jaqen but the princess of the North’s memory may be failing a little because she seemed to forget that her friend Jaqen switched faces right before eyes.

After being denied entrance to the House of Black and White, she throws her magic coin in the ocean and spends the night at the stoop of the castle, repeating the names of the people she hates, over and over and over again. Later, Arya has made it to the mainland and is hunting a pigeon, but people keep making the mistake of wanting to mess with her because she looks tiny and cute (albeit a little very dirty). So a bunch of boys approach her, like the typical bunch of high school bullies (It happens in America, in happens in Europe, it happens in Essos) to steal her food and suddenly the same man that rejected her at The House of Black and White, appears and sends the Braavian bullies away. Turns out, as we had predicted, that he is in fact Jaqen. And he invites Arya to join the Faceless men, so I hope we can see Maisie Williams again.

Brienne and sweet Podrick just won’t give up. They are lounging at an inn, when Brienne spots Sansa and Littlefinger in their VIP booth. Stubborn or stupid, we just don’t know. But Lady Tarth offers her services to Sansa, whose attitude is as dark as her newly dyed black hair. She points out Brienne’s failures and we all would have wanted the knightess to just take her nice Oathbreaker and walk out without the unnecessary scuffle, but what would this show be without everyone showing off their majestic horseback riding skills?

Turns out, Podrick’s far from majestic on a saddle (No pun intended this time, we know about the squire’s abilities) and it’s touch and go with Littlefinger’s guards for a while. Lady Sansa and “her uncle” escape and of course, the smartest thing to do is follow them. So that’s what Podrick and Brienne do. They seriously need a hobby.

In the meantime, Queen Cersei Lioness is delivered a clear threat against her only daughter, Myrcella, who is currently residing in Dorne, one of the many places that harbors people who hate house Lannister. She was sent there by Tyrion when he was hand of the King — to keep her safe, of course. But after that nerve wrecking incident with the Mountain and Prince Oberyn (if only his pirouettes had been as good as his swordsmanship), the Dornians are understandably more upset. And so, Cersei makes Jamie quite literally woman up and go rescue his daughter. For his adventure, he hires Bronn, who is seen surprisingly tidy and tame with his new bride-to-be. Of course, our good old sellsword hasn’t changed a bit, so he drops the act and agrees to go with Jamie.

Life in Mereen hasn’t gotten any easier. The combined efforts of the Second Sons and the Unsullied, work in favor of capturing one of the Sons of the Harpy, bringing him to Daenerys. In the council, Mossador objects against giving the prisoner a fair trial, arguing that those things mean nothing to them in Mereen. Dany seems to agree with him, but ser Barristan objects, using the argument that if The Unburnt keeps killing people, she’s going to end up as crazy as her nutjob father. Justice has to be made and the Mother of Dragons agrees on a fair trial.

Varys and Tyrion are still heading to Mereen and Tyrion is still trying to see if his liver won’t fail from the amounts of alcohol he is consuming. Cersei sure wishes it failed, because apparently she has quite literally asked for her younger brother’s head on a silver platter and random dwarves are dying because of it. Cersei appoints herself as the stand in while Tommen decides on his next Hand. She also appoints Mace Tyrell as the new master of coin, Qyburn as the new master of whisperers (take that, Pycelle. You can’t sit with us). But when she tries to make Kevan Lannister as the Master of War, he throws a fit saying that she has no power and he’s gonna go chill until Tommen calls for him.

In the Wall, they are finally going to choose a new Lord Commander. Sam reads, Gilly tries to read and Jon Snow sulks. All seems to be normal until Stannis tells Jon that the Bear Island in the North will only recognize a Stark as their true king, so if Jon bends the knee to Stannis, they will legitimize him as a true Stark. Now that his father is dead. And his brother. And Ygritte.

But of course, always loyal to his Night’s Watch vows, Jon says he will refuse but then the ceremony to pick the new leader starts. Ser Alliser Thorne is obviously going to win until Sam makes a speech on how Jon is awesome and Jon is brave and Jon is precious and everyone seems to agree. In the end, Ser Alliser and Jon Snow’s votes are tied and it’s lovely Maester Aemon who casts the final vote in favor of Jon Snow. We hope that he knows something this time.

Back in Mereen, the party is still going. Turns out, the fair trial is no longer a thing because Mossador took justice into his own hands and crucified the Son of the Harpy because he had the audacity of insulting his beloved Mhysa. (At this point, even Dany knows that the freed slaves from Mereen are bordering on a very unsettling level of fanaticism. They are like a very hyped and obsessive fandom, and Seven Heavens do we know about that)

There is no turning back. The Unburnt’s iron fist has to descend with a punishment according to the crime committed because justice. Always justice. Mossador has to be executed publicly and all of Dany’s fans watch in awe until they figure out that their Queen is about to behead one of her many, many sons and daughters. They start pleading for mercy and getting more agitated than Beliebers in a concert. Danaerys doesn’t budge and Mossador dies.

Immediately, all of the newly freed subjects turn into hissing snakes (quite literally, we’re still having nightmares about that happening during a college lecture, when the professor asks somebody to put away their phone) and hooligans, throwing rocks and everyone including the woman they were worshiping five minutes ago. Once freaking again, the right thing isn’t working for Danaerys and on top of almost getting stoned to death, Drogon comes to visit her and almost eats her arm while she’s trying to find some comfort in her life.

What are morals? What is loyalty? What is peace? We just don’t know. Not here. Not in this fandom.

Valar Morghulis.

 

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