Mr. Milo Isn't Over the Moon for Transformers
This movie is too much, too long, too many special effects, too much dramatic music, too many jokes, too many actors, and too 3D. It has a few redeeming moments, but they are too few and far between. If you watch this film you will laugh, you will think the special effects are great, and you will pray for it to be over.
The film opens with the war between the Autobots and Decepticons. The Autobots had developed a secret weapon that would have ended the war, but alas, it was lost. It crash lands on the dark side of the moon in the 1960′s. The Americans and Russians immediately launch a space race for the moon. The Americans get there first, investigate the crash, and then leave it there for 4o some years.
This opening sequence of the 1960′s space race is good. There are some great scenes with Presidents Kennedy and Nixon in the oval office. I thought I might be in store for a good movie. Then we cut to the present day with Sam (Shia LaBeouf) and his new girlfriend (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) and my hopes began to wane.
Sam is fresh out of college and can’t find a job. Despite saving the world twice he doesn’t have any real job skills. Bumblebee is on assignment with the government so Sam drives around in an old broken down Datsun. He interviews with a boss from hell (John Malkovich) and finally gets a job in the mail room at a company that does high tech work for the government thanks to a letter of recommendation from the company’s board of directors.
We the audience know immediately something is afoot at this company, but Sam can’t seem to put 2 and 2 together until after he has a close encounter in a bathroom stall with a coworker calling himself “Deep Wang” who produces some secret documents from his jock strap and informs Sam of a conspiracy involving the dark side of the moon. Sam’s boss walks into the restroom just as Sam and Wang erupt from the stall with Wang’s pants around his ankles, and Sam looking very guilty. Not long after, Decepticons appear, people are hurled from buildings, and general anarchy ensues.
Here’s a list of just some of the actors and celebrities that appear: Shia LaBeouf, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Josh Duhamel, John Turturro, Tyrese Gibson, Patrick Dempsey, Frances McDormand, John Malkovich, Alan Tudyk, Buzz Aldrin, Bill O’Reilly, Hugo Weaving, Leonard Nimoy, and Peter Cullen. There’s no shortage of acting talent in the cast, but not much of that talent makes it’s way to the screen.
I don’t blame the actors. I think director Michael Bay loves annoying performances. Frances McDormand’s performance as a national intelligence director is like nails on a chalk board. John Malkovich might as well be a cartoon character. Shia LaBeouf is not horrible, but not great either. Leonard Nimoy butchers classic lines from Star Trek. Huntington-Whiteley is in this movie just to fill a roll for T&A. The one character in the story that is genuinely funny is Alun Tudyk, who plays John Turtorro’s Dutch and slightly effeminate personal assistant and interior designer slash bad ass weapons expert and computer hacker.
This film doesn’t know if it’s a comedy, and action film, or an epic, so it becomes all three. It has everything but the kitchen sink, and then it throws in the kitchen sink. Attempts at comic relief are ubiquitous. The final action sequence feels like it goes on for an hour. In this film the fate of all of mankind is at stake, but for the audience nothing is really at stake at all. We know no matter who many times Sam is hurled through the air to certain death, he will always be saved at the last minute. We know no major character will be harmed. We know the Transformers will always come back, and the planet will always be saved.
The fact that it is in 3D doesn’t really help it. Yes, some of the visuals are impressive, especially in 3D, but I think there is a maximum period of time the human eye can take 3D, and this movie exceeds it.
[all photos: Paramount Pictures]
[Official Movie Site] [Here’s what Dustin and Molly thought of it.]
