THE VAMPIRE DIARIES: Diary of a Mad Heretic
Episode 701 “Day One of Twenty-Two”
[photos: Bob Mahoney/The CW]
After a flash forward to three years into the future, in which we see Stefan waking up a desiccating Damon, the season seven premiere of The Vampire Diaries really starts with Caroline writing in her diary…her VAMPIRE diary! Caroline is narrating and writing in perfectly straight lines and her R’s look like V’s, and Sheriff Forbes got a bench. It really is okay that they gave the deceased Sheriff a bench instead of an actual monument, because she did have vampires and teens do all her work for her. Remember when this show had crows, mist, tombs and journals? I do. I really miss that tomb, you guys. Caroline is writing in her journal so when Bonnie is dead and Elena wakes up from her super special Sleeping Beauty spell, she can get all caught up.
Matt is going to be a police officer. Matt, who grew up with an absent mom, whose sister was murdered and had to work as a busboy to pay his electric bill…all at the sweet age of 16. Matty Blue Blue is a survivor and the only human on this show! Yes yes, Alaric is human, but he was a vampire hunter and then a vampire and now he’s a grieving widower. His wife Jo was killed on their wedding day by her brother; we didn’t really get to get into all that because Elena fell asleep and it was really important apparently.
Stefan is smiling at Caroline and Caroline is flipping her hair at Stefan. Bonnie is following Damon and Alaric around Europe because she doesn’t have any family and spent months by herself in a prison world. Alaric is pretending to be drunk all the time but really he is trying to find a way to bring his wife back from the grave….errr morgue, where he is keeping her corpse on ice for a mere $100.00 a month! Alaric so handsome and thrifty.
We are also introduced more formally to The Heretics, who are half witch, half vampire…or vampire witches or wampires….vitches? Lily Salvatore loves her vitches more than her own sons (Damon and Stefan), they’ve all escaped from their 1900’s prison world. She thinks she can control them, but boy would this show be boring if she could. Three female Heretics and two males. One lady is a grump and the black sheep of the family, the other two ladies perfected swooshy hair in record time; also they like each other, like, like like each other. One of the men is a mute and has a scar shaped like an x on his neck and the other guy said some stuff in his posh accent but I can’t remember what. Which is fine, because he dies later.
Stefan, Caroline and Matt think they can take out this Manson family with a mere explosion from a home-made bomb and some natural gas. When has anything in your life ever been that simple you guys! Come on, really, geeze. So, of course they don’t die. The mean girls show up at the Police Academy graduation ceremony, or what have you. I imagine in this town, if you can jog a 9-minute mile and read, you can become a police officer. So, Regina George and friends start yammering some recipe and the sprinklers go off. Cute, right? But our resident grump is all, INCENDIARY! MUAHAHA. The water turns to fire, Mystic Fall-ians are burning alive and running in circles and the Heretics eat a few people.
Lily shows up and is all “YOU HAVE LOST YOUR PHONE PRIVILEGES FOR A WEEK!” Stefan and Caroline and Matt come up with another plan! They tell the town it was an underground mining fire and the town has to be evacuated. The town is under control of the vitches basically. If anyone enters or is left digging through garbage, they can be ate. Bonnie and Damon pow wow and are both “oh hell naw, it’s on like Donkey Kong!” Bonnie finds our heretic with the posh suit and curls her fingers at him; he touches her to absorb her magic (that’s a thing heretics can do) and then Damon pops up from behind and snatches his heart.
Classic Damon.
The Heretics drag their sibling’s body home and Lily is real not okay with him being dead. Lorenzo — remember him? — Lily is like his mum and he has chosen her side, so when he shows up to tell Caroline that the truce has been broken he drugs her with a needle in the neck.
Classic Lorenzo.
Flash forward to three years later: Stefan is waking Damon up and Stefan has an x shaped wound on his chest that seems to be irksome. Some lady is shooting arrows at them…but who? Who is the lady!?
The Vampire Diaries airs Thursdays at 8/7c on The CW
