TEEN WOLF Recap: Friendship is Magic, Except When It’s Hard

Episode 512 “Damnatio Memoriae”

Friendships are hard you guys.

Sometimes you think someone is going to be your friend forever, and in your head you plan a life of joyous vacations and road trips and dinners, only to discover that that person really isn’t right for your group. Sometimes you befriend people who are just looking for friends while they are in between relationships and once they find them, they drop you like a hot rock and move to Tennessee. Other times you befriend someone who turns out to be kind of psychotic and ends up doing things like texting you angrily on Thanksgiving Day because you didn’t invite them to your friend’s family’s house and breaks up with you even though you let him stay at my house every weekend for an entire summer…

All I’m saying is that it’s a crap shoot. It’s kind of a grey area.

Tonight’s Teen Wolf is all about our friendly relationships. And how we deal with them as we move into maturity or werewolfness or whatever.

Let’s start with Scotty and Stiles. They have been mad at each other since Stiles accidently-sort-of-on-purpose-in-self-defense murdered a guy who was also a chimera who was going to kill him and then kill his father. Scotty has a pretty dim view of killing, as in he believes you should never do it no matter what the circumstances. And for a long time Stiles agreed with him, until he was put in a situation where he would either die or kill someone. Then he made the choice to live. So Scott and Stiles have been at cross purposes for about 10 episodes now.

Tonight brought them back together in a really big way as Scotty tried to investigate the appearance of a new CGI Beastie in Beacon Hills, but he lacks any of the skills necessary to do so; and Stiles, while still helping his dad recover in the hospital, figured out almost everything except for the most obvious points. Which he needs pointed out to him by Scotty because that’s what Scotty does in their relationship: he sees the details while Stiles figures out the big picture.

It culminated with them in the sewers of Beacon Hills where they basically live now, fighting off chimeras and trying to decode Latin. But in the end they decided they were stronger together and it was time to get the whole pack back in on the action.

Meanwhile Liam and Mason were dealing with their own issues, one of them a little gay chimera named something cute and gay like Trevor or Blaine. Trevor or Blaine shows back up at school trying to act all normal like he never died and got resurrected. Also he asked Mason out on a date. Does he go? What is the bill split for going out with a chimera? Do you have to pay for all the different supernatural creatures that inhabit him?

Ultimately it doesn’t matter, because Theo shows up like a true creeper and puts the kibosh on the whole date. Mason doesn’t get to experience the love of a chimera. Poor little Trevor or Blaine (or whatever his name is) has to be friends with Theo, who is the absolute worst, but is also beautiful like everyone else on this show.

Theo is basically there to tell everyone they can’t be friends with anyone.

He does the same thing to Hayden, who is still in love with Liam even though everything else in her life seems to have been turned topsy-turvy by being resuscitated by Theo, including her relationship with her sister and her job as an underage waitress at a bisexual dive bar. Liam and Hayden share a sweet kiss and decide they’re going to totally Romeo and Juliet this whole situation. I hope it doesn’t end the way Scott and Allison did, but also: I kind of do.

Meanwhile, Malia is trying to track down her deadbeat mom the Desert Wolf, who is also a were-coyote (it’s confusing) and also an assassin and also out to kill Malia for unknown reasons. Malia tortures a Russian mobster with the help of that girl with that scar who kind of disappeared with Derek for a while but came back without him. Where is Derek by the way? Do you think he is in Cabo San Lucas, working on his tan and making all of the cabana boys swoon? I kind of do.

Anyway Malia and that scar lady find out the Desert Wolf is on her way back to Beacon Hills with a hostage! It’s Deaton, the druid veterinarian!! Last seen as the despicable priest Father Gabe on The Walking Dead but also an awesome ninja veterinarian on Teen Wolf!

All the while poor, Lydia is lying catatonic in her bed at Elchin House. Except she’s not really; she’s wandering around in spirit form talking to Meredith, this show’s other Banshee, who was also The Benefactor and is also LEGIT crazy… or at least she was. She crawls out of a tub all covered in black goo and tells Lydia she is here to teach her how to use her Banshee powers to become a straight up ninja and I could not be happier!!

In other news, the Argents are on the trail of the new CGI Beastie. Papa Argent revives Gerard Argent from his werewolf poisoning (this is a thing, look it up) with a lotus so that he can tell the pack about the CGI Beastie and how it relates to the Argent family. Kira and her mom (another kitsune) are out in the desert about to fight a group of skin-walkers that look like a girl band in Native American drag. And beautiful Deputy Parrish keeps his shirt on the whole episode.

The only thing I had a problem with was the lack of Melissa McCall. Especially during the scenes where Sheriff Stilinski and Stiles are wandering around the hospital at night. Since she’s the only medical professional in Beacon Hills I’m sure she was busy, but she barely misses a chance to be in the scene that involves the hospital.

So that’s it for this week, join me next week when Kira choreographs the Skin Walkers girl band into the best pop trio since Destiny’s Child; Scotty and Stiles start a knitting circle; Liam and Hayden write notes to each other and stick them in each other’s lockers between classes; Theo and Deputy Parrish workout shirtless; and Melissa McCall single handedly figures everything out and saves the world!!