Okay, Here's the Thing…

…. You have to know your body. I know, you were probably expecting me to yell at you about bell bottoms or something, but as I thought about my column this month I realized nothing I tell you is going to matter if you don’t have an understanding of your body type.

I’m laying groundwork here.

So what do I mean when I say “Know your body”? Well, I’m not talking about the special knowledge you developed over one magical summer when you were 12. I’m talking science! All of us can be broken down into three groups: Ectomorph, Mesomorph and Endomorph. Ladies like to pretend they have more, but they don’t (they just like to make everything more complicated.)

Am I right, fellas?

So, let’s begin:

Ectomorphs are usually tall, slim, and narrow in the hips and shoulders. For simplicity I’ll call Ectomorphs Sheldon.

Sheldon has no trouble staying slim. His metabolism and body structure actually make it difficult for him to gain weight, whether in muscle or fat. This means that it’s Sheldon that the rest of us end up hating when the middle age spread starts. Sheldon is also who all the fashion houses design for, even though he only makes up about a third of the male population. Sheldon can wear anything, but that doesn’t mean he should.

Shorts look particularly odd on Sheldon, since his high metabolism and light muscle mass means he has very skinny legs. But we’re not here to judge. We all have our body issues, Sheldon.

Mesomorphs are what we would call ‘average’, and what I will call Chris.

Chris either has broader shoulders and smaller hips, or hips and shoulders that are equal in width. But mainly broad shoulders and narrower hips. Chris’ metabolism makes it just as easy for him to gain fat or muscle, but very hard to lose both. I, for example fall into this type, so in a perfect world, I would have broad shoulders and a nice narrow waist, but a love of naps and Doritos has made that dream harder to obtain.

Chris body makes him perfect for athletics and muscle gain looks good on him. Unfortunately his broadness in the shoulders and tapered body make it hard for him to find shirts that fit him correctly.

A lot of time Chris has a longer torso and shorter legs, which can make buying clothes turn into an algebra problem so he doesn’t end up showing off his belly on accident.

Finally we have the Endomorph, or as I like to call him, Patton.

Patton, like Chris can have shoulders and hips that are equal in width, but more often than not, his shoulders are narrower than his hips. Patton is generally shorter than others, but what he lacks in height, he more than makes up for in strength. Patton’s body is perfect for muscle development, unfortunately, his metabolism is slow and it makes it very easy for him to gain fat. As clothes go, shopping is difficult for Patton. His wider hips and shorter legs make pants buying problematic, and shirts tend to be too long for him. A tailor is Patton’s best friend.

Well, a tailor can be your best friend no matter what your body type, but I’ll cover that later.

Now on to The Ladies. Depending on what website you are looking at, Women can have anywhere from the three body types listed above, to something like 12. Like I said, women just like to make everything complicated.

For simplicity’s sake I’m going to use the 4 body types most often agreed upon: Android, Thyroid, Gynaeoid, and Endomorph.

Android, which is more commonly known as Apple, but I will be calling Sherri.

Sherri has a wider upper torso and shoulders and a slightly narrower hip. She is built like the female version of Chris. Sherri is the physically strongest body type of the women, she has more upper body strength and her arms and legs tend to be very well muscled. Unfortunately for Sherri, her narrow hips make shopping for pants and skirts, which generally leave room for hips, into a walking nightmare.

The next body shape is the Thyroid, or Banana, or Cameron, as I like to call her.

Cameron has narrow shoulders and hips and not much of a waist. She and Sheldon have a lot in common. Both tend to be tall, and not to gain weight easily. Cameron does not usually have much of a problem with her weight, but what she gains there, she loses in two areas: Cameron usually has smaller breasts and almost no waist to speak of. This can make buying tops or dresses difficult.

Gynaeoid, or Pear, or Jennifer is next.

Jennifer tends to have narrower shoulders than hips, and right now, she is pretty lucky because aside from being on “American Idol”, she has one of the most sought after body shapes.

Most clothes are made for Jennifer nowadays, so shopping isn’t really that big of a problem… except for around the middle. Jennifer tends to have a narrower waist, and that can make getting a proper fit in both tops and bottoms difficult. Jennifer will more than likely have to have all of her garments altered to fit her midsection correctly. Again, tailors can be your best friend.

Last but certainly not least, we have the Lymphatic, or the hourglass, or Scarlett.

Scarlett has shoulders and hips that are equally spaced like Cameron, but it’s what happens in between her shoulders and hips that make her need her own body type.

Scarlett has larger breasts than Cameron or Jennifer, and she has a rounder… er…. Posterior than Cameron too. Scarlett may look like she got the best of all worlds, but let’s not be too hasty. Scarlett almost never wears the right bra, and all the problems Jennifer has buying pants, Scarlett has too.

It’s important that we recognize our body type, because once we do, it will make our quest for good clothes that much easier. Our bodies are the only things that are truly and 100% ours and we need to love them, no matter what our shape. Next month, how to shove your ungainly body into clothes!

Okay… one more.

This month’s Surveys

[polldaddy poll=5349347]

[polldaddy poll=5349354]