Santa Part 4: Felony Gifting And Entering


Here we conclude our scientific speculation as to whether or not Santa Claus could actually exist in the real world, as laid out in Part 1. In Part 2, I tackled the existence of a village at the North Pole as well as Santa’s old age. In Part 3, I talked about the ability for a sleigh and reindeer to fly, as well as the ability to travel very quickly around the world. Now it’s time to discuss how Santa can break into people’s houses undetected regardless of people’s attempts to keep people out, as well as how Santa seems to manage to carry around more presents than one could ever hope to shake a stick at. And maybe we might uncover some sort of motive that there might be for doing this year after year.

Like A Thief In The Night

Breaking and entering, Santa style.
Breaking and entering, Santa style.

According to tradition, Santa Claus can enter a home in the dead of night without leaving any trace other than a bite of a cookie, a sip of milk, and a bunch of presents for all of the good little boys and girls around the world. Those same traditions indicate that he climbs down the chimney with his bag full of toys. Strangely, even officials at NORAD are accomplices in his illicit activities in the United States. But consistently going up and down chimneys is certainly not without its issues.

The first problem is that not all chimneys are the same. Some are wide. Some are narrow. Some are nothing more than a three inch, thin-walled metal pipe. For a chubby guy with a heave suit and a bag full of goodies to get through such a gap is a little hard to believe. And that’s assuming that the flue is open.

Then there’s the whole issue with the creosote and other soot that builds up on the walls of those chimneys. Not only does it make the job dirty and breathing difficult, but it also makes the job perilous. The inner walls of the chimney don’t exactly lend themselves well to traction for someone attempting to do a Sasuke-style Spider Walk. Regardless of how Santa’s life is being extended, he’s still an old man.

But the biggest issue of all is the fact that not all residences have chimneys. How does Santa get in to a house without a chimney, a mobile home, or an apartment? Some tales talk about Santa having the ability to turn himself into a vapor or move through walls. One Hollywood franchise depicts him as being able to either create chimneys where there previously were none or temporarily convert smaller chimneys into bigger ones that he can get through. But if any of those tales were true, I’m surprised he hasn’t teamed up with the X-Men or the Justice League before now. So let’s look at some other options.

1. Phasing

There is the theoretical idea that something can vibrate on the molecular level in such a way as to become virtually intangible. Imagine Santa being able to simply “phase” himself through walls, roofs, bank vaults … Okay, maybe not bank vaults. But he could be able to bypass most barriers that would keep any normal person out. As for what kind of technology he would use to do this, only the elves know for sure. Perhaps there’s something a bit different. Something like …

Wait for it …

2. Wormholes

… Wormholes! (Crap. The title beat me to it.)

Wormholes, as I described when talking about traveling the world, is a phenomenon in quantum mechanics where a “shortcut” can exist between two points in space and time. Typically existing on a quantum scale, a wormhole can theoretically be enlarged and held open if enough energy is expended to do so. Unfortunately, the destination of a wormhole tends to be a bit unpredictable. So let’s look at quantum entanglement.

3. Quantum Entanglement

(Yes! I beat the title this time!)

Quantum entanglement is an event when one particle takes on the exact same characteristics of another particle before separating. When a group of particles take on the characteristics of another group of particles, one object can be copied as another. If just the information can be preserved and reused, then objects can be exactly copies repeatedly. Quantum entanglement isn’t necessarily limited by distance as particles can become entangled even light years away! So perhaps Santa can be materialized in the target location and the chimney can be bypassed altogether.


Beware Santas Bearing Gifts

Once the jolly fat man can bypass the chimney issue and get in to the residence, how does he get all those toys and goodies under the tree? No sack is big enough to carry all those toys and presents. In order to be able to stuff them all in a bag, they could very well create a density not unlike a small black hole. The weight would be impossible to carry. And it would probably be more than slightly harmful to the environment with it’s whole throwing Earth out of its orbit shtick. So what alternatives could there be for Santa to deliver those gifts?

1. Wormhole Device

One possibility is that inside Santa’s sack is a device that opens a wormhole to the North Pole workshop. Then based on Santa’s location at the time, the elves can feed presents through for the children that live in that particular residence. Santa then puts the goodies in the stockings and under the tree before moving on to the next location. It’s simple and efficient. Santa doesn’t have to carry any toys that might get damaged in-transit, and the Earth is saved from potential apocalyptic destruction.

2. Poof There’s Presents

And we’re back to the good ol’ quantum entanglement. Instead of a wormhole, the elves can use quantum entanglement to make the gifts to magically appear. If this were the case, then maybe Santa isn’t needed after all. Sorry, Virginia. Children believe in Santa. The children look away for an instant, and suddenly there’s gifts. The assumption? Santa magically came down the non-existent chimney in the apartment and set the gifts out in the blink of an eye. It makes perfect sense.

Elf Motivation

So why would elves keep up this kind of operation? They probably wouldn’t expend tons of time, effort, and energy without some sort of payoff. Could it be purely altruistic? If so, why do they give to rich kids more than poor kids? What could the elves possibly get out of it?

The only logical answer I can come up with is that it’s a wildly profitable investment.  Think about it. Modern marketing at the highest level often relies on predictive mathematical algorithms such as Game Theory. It’s done to predict the buying habits of consumers in order to guide research and development. What better way to predict the buying habits of consumers than to gain the data from childhood? Once the elves find out what children want, they can predict what they will spend their money on as adults. By giving them what they ask for, the children will continually give them data year after year. That data is of great benefit later on since the elves secretly control most of the world’s major corporations. They can then determine how we’re going to spend our money and how we will live our lives. Economically, we are all slaves to the elves.

Merry Christmas!

<– Santa Part 1

<– Santa Part 2

<– Santa Part 3


Daniel C. Handley

Dan Handley was raised a Trekkie, fell in love with "Star Wars" at an early age, and became obsessed with comic book superheroes. He spent his youth dreaming of how to get real superpowers, starships, and so on.

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