ONCE UPON A TIME There Was A Brief Showdown
Episode 316 “It’s Not Easy Being Green”
[Photos: ABC/Jack Rowand]
There was a witch, a queen, a funeral … and a Tom Baker scarf!
So there was this glowing green (radioactive?) cyclone that dropped a baby. The kiddo was found by a peasant couple who managed to deduce that it was a girl in spite of not bothering to check any anatomy. While the woman cuddled and held the baby, the little one telekinetically tossed a tree. The man was concerned, but the woman blamed the wind. She wanted to keep the child, and named her Zelena. Then the couple with the kid follow, follow, follow, follow, followed the Yellow Brick Road toward the Emerald City of Oz.
In Storybrooke, everyone was sad and standing around as they lowered Neal’s casket into the ground. They all took turns shoveling dirt in on the casket. Nobody bothered to say any parting words. Okay, not everyone was there. Rumpelstiltskin was in the cage being tormented by Zelena.
Back to the land of the enchanted. Young Zelena was shaving her father. When she cut him, she magically made a handkerchief appear. So daddy called her wicked and said he refused to let her learn to control her powers lest everyone see that she was “wicked”. Then the abusive daddy informed her that she was adopted. So she was off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz, so he could help her find a family that wants her. (Everybody who sees the Wizard always seems to want something from him, like a family, heart, brain, courage, back taxes … Can’t someone simply pay him a friendly visit?)
In the Storybrooke diner, Hook offered to take Henry out and tell him about a young Baelfire since Emma couldn’t tell him about his late father (since she lied about seeing him in Storybrooke). Regina had another sexual-tension run-in with Robin Hood, fueled by Tinkerbell. Then Zelena showed up and challenged Regina to a fight in the street at sundown. Regina said it wasn’t the Wild West. Zelena said it was the Wicked West. (Nevermind the fact that Maine, although in the western hemisphere, is in the eastern part of the country. Somebody needs to brush up on geography.)
As Hook took Henry to a fishing boat to tell him about his father, the rest of the intrepid plot discussion group was still in the diner. Regina decided to leave to look for whatever it was that made Zelena so upset about her.
Back to the land of Oz. Zelena went in to see the Wizard. He said he knew why she was there, since he knows and sees all. Sort of like the NSA. He directed her to look at his big screen TV — otherwise known as his floor. He showed her Cora dropping her off in the woods for the cyclone to take her, since Zelena couldn’t give Cora what she wanted, a chance at becoming royalty. Then she saw Regina, who actually became queen and also had magic powers, albeit powers she hadn’t yet developed. Then the image of Rumpelstiltskin teaching Regina came up. Oz explained that he was the most powerful wizard in all the lands. Zelena wanted to be the one to be taught by Rumpel. So the Wizard gave her silver slippers that could transport her anywhere she wanted just by clicking her heels together three times. All he wanted in exchange was something of the Dark One’s, but didn’t specify what. He did warn her, however, that she shouldn’t become overwhelmed by envy over things she could do nothing about. Heels clicked, then Poof!
Zelena turns up in Regina’s castle. As she used some magic, Rumpelstiltskin walked out and was surprised that it wasn’t Regina. Rumpel did a magic DNA test to see if she really was Cora’s daughter. She was.
Back in Storybrooke, Regina and Mary Margaret were in Regina’s vault looking through Cora’s stuff when Emma walked in. Regina found a letter that confirmed that Zelena really was her sister. (This lends the question as to just how many times can the exact same thing be a new revelation. The sisterhood was a surprise to the audience once, but a shock to everyone else at least a few times.)
A few of the others were looking at a way to secure the street before the fight. It was likely to be difficult to overcome the Witch since she still had power over Rumpelstiltskin. Belle volunteered to try to get to Rumpel without his dagger (which the Witch wouldn’t let out of her own grasp). Meanwhile, Regina is out in the woods with the letter. And who conveniently turns up? Yup, Robin Hood. He reads the letter out loud (to provide us with additional exposition for the plot, of course). It was a letter from Rumpel to Cora about the fact that he had his hands on Zelena, who he said was more powerful than even Cora and Regina were. Regina always thought the letter was about her. Now her fantasies have been crushed.
In the Enchanted Forest, Rumpelstiltskin was walking through the woods with Zelena. He told her about a curse he was working on. He hoped Regina could cast it, but Zelena might have been the better choice instead. So he tested her by blindfolding her and telling her to catch him. It required coaxing her abilities out by getting her to reach in to her hate and come over to the Dark Side of the Force so they could rule the galaxy as father and so– … I mean, reaching in to her hate and bring out her magical abilities. Zelena began looking in to her hate for her mother, sister, and adopted father. It worked. She caught him. Zelena then got Rumpel to talk about his own abandonment issues.
In Storybrooke, there was no sign of Zelena at the farmhouse. So Belle ran down into the cellar to find Rumpel. He told her that it was futile for him to try to leave while Zelena had the dagger. Belle wouldn’t leave without him. He told Belle to run. Just then, guess who was standing in the corner holding the dagger. What, no guesses? It was Zelena! Belle ran out toward Emma, David, and Tinkerbell. Rumpel came out after and said that Zelena sends a message. She would face Regina without interference, or they would be killed.
Hook was with Henry on shore with a campfire. Hook talked to him about his father, letting him know that the two weren’t that much different. Meanwhile, Zelena was preparing for battle, suiting up all Rambo-montage style.
Back in Fairy Tale Land, Zelena made a meat pie dinner for Rumpelstiltskin. He said there was no time, since he still had to give Regina a magic lesson. Zelena wasn’t at all happy, saying that she should get the attention and training, not her sister. Rumpel then pointed out that her envy was starting to show on the outside. Sure enough, her neck was starting to pick up a moldy complexion. Rumpel vanished.
On the streets of Storybrooke, the townspeople gathered for the schoolyard fight (including one person with what appeared to be a Tom Baker Doctor scarf!), but Regina wasn’t there. Zelena said that if she didn’t show in five minutes, she would let the Dark One off his leash.
Back in Regina’s castle (yes, we’re back to the Fairy Tale place again), Zelena takes a razor blade to kill Regina. Surprise! It was really Rumpelstiltskin testing her. The curse he wanted cast required the one casting it to give up what was most important to the caster. He deduced that in her case, it was him. So Regina got the job of casting the spell. This made Zelena upset, so she left, but not before telling him he made a mistake and she knew his tricks.
Back to Storybrooke again. Zelena had words with Regina about how she, not Regina, should have been picked by Rumpel. Cue the short magic fight. Zelena threw Regina through the clock face in the tower, then appeared there with her. She said she didn’t want to kill Regina, merely destroy her. Zelena tried to grab Regina’s heart out of her chest only to realize that she didn’t have it there. So she became even more frustrated and flew off on a broom which seemed to appear from out of nowhere without the convenience of magic green smoke. (Apparently, she must have thought it was somehow a better mode of transportation then her silver slippers.) Zelena had David’s courage and wanted Regina’s heart. Regina said those were ingredients … for another curse!
Regina went out into the woods where her heart was being guarded … by Robin Hood! After some more sexual tension, she asked him to hold onto the heart for a bit longer. Hook returned Henry to Emma and said that she couldn’t keep him in the dark. Zelena returned Rumpel to his cage as they taunted each other. When Rumpel said if given another chance, he still would have chosen Regina, Zelena said that what she planned wasn’t a curse, but rather a second chance where they could do it all over again.
Flashback again to Oz. Zelena said she had learned a few new tricks and wanted to go back to when she was first abandoned by Cora. Oz said that time travel was impossible. (Yet no explanation as to how the Fourth Doctor’s scarf showed up in a scene. Just accept that time travel is impossible.) Even his power has limits. So she tears down the curtain to mind a mere man at some controls. It was Walsh! (Pre-flying monkey of course.) He said he was a showman from Kansas. It’s a act, but he collects real magic items. Inspired by a poster he had on the wall, she turned him into a flying monkey who would do whatever she wanted. She then said that when she’s done, Regina would never even have been born … as she completely turned a shade of green.
