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Mr. Parsons Wraps Up TRUE BLOOD’s Season Finale

Right, so not only was this the end of the season it was the end of Alan Ball’s stint as show runner. And I’d be willing to bet that Alan was pretty pleased with the way things wrapped up in this season finale.

Synopsis in a sentence: nearly everyone that didn’t have top billing dies in a burst of Hoisin sauce and glycerin.

Including Russell Edgington. That was the show’s first “wow” moment for me. And it happened two and a half minutes in! Eric was still on that Viking Revenge kick and staked Russell! You see, Russell was completely distracted by the Fey Buffet and giggling at the fairy defense when it happens. I’m glad, however, that it was Eric who Staked Russell, for I was afraid that Russell would fall victim to some very, very contrived half Fairy/half Vampire curse for having supped on the Ancient Fairy Elder Coco. Well, half Fey I should say, because Russell was all … well, you know. Anyway, until season 5 I thought that Russell was the only frightening vampire and I will miss the character and Denis O’Hare’s portrayal of same. However, in the aftermath of this turn of events we don’t really know what happens to the good Reverend Newland; there’s just a shock-take, a jump to vampspeed and he exits stage right never to be seen in the episode again. Well, “technically” that is. More on that later.

And what became of poor Jason due to the combination of another head injury and being accidentally blasted by Coco in last week’s episode? He momentarily hallucinates Sookie as his mother. As the show progresses both of Jason’s parents appear to him as an external dialogue that, apparently, only Jason can hear. These conversations seem to be driving Jason into a new depressing and anti-vampire direction.

Meanwhile back at the Vampire Chancellery House of Religious Crazies Sam is brought in for Bill’s breakfast but shifts into a housefly before Bill can get him because, for some strange reason, Bill won’t accept Sam’s word that he just wants Luna’s daughter back and won’t tell anyone what’s really going on. This leads to a short but amusing high speed chase around the chamber in which Sam escapes into the ventilation system. Let me geek out for a minute here and ask, “Where does all of Sam’s extra mass go when he changes from a 200 pound human to a quarter ounce fly?” and “How can the vampires stop on a dime after vampspeed while wearing leather soled shoes”? These are rhetorical questions.

Eric and Nora return to Fangtasia and discover that “They got Pam”. This short time at Fangtasia is a pretty cool vignette as it demonstrates that Eric actually has something of a moral compass and a sense of humor that’s more sophisticated than jaded sarcasm. Oh yeah, Eric evidently owns a huge pile of cash that will, surely, tempt someone in season 6.

Back at Gran’s house, Jason is being directed/guilted by “hallucinations” of his parents to hate vampires and protect Sookie. This situation isn’t helped by the arrival of Eric, Nora and Tara and their plan to return to the Chancellery to save Bill from himself, Lilith or a combination thereof. If nothing else, Sookie owes Pam. This, according to Tara.

Bill continues to get his Machiavelli on by confessing to the murder of Chancellor Akinjide and declaring Salome as the “Chosen” and the “Prophet for the new age” based on his vision from Lilith. They celebrate by having sex like crazed weasels. Again. All the while Sam and Luna make their own plans for rescuing Emma and escaping the chancellery.

Andy becomes a father of four, count ‘em, four Fey/Human daughters and I’m really hoping that the babies magically mature to, at least, teen-agers by the middle of season 6 because the woefully-unprepared-manchild-trying-to-raise-four-babies-who-possess-spontaneously-expressed-and-uncontrollable-powers sub-plot is gonna get really old really quick.

Luna skinwalks as Steve Newland; thus, rescuing Emma from her pet carrier only to be confronted by not only Chelsea (the Chancellery receptionist cum statistician cum marketing philosopher cum continuity checker) but also Rosalyn Harris. The good news: Rosalyn bypasses the elevator’s blood-lock. The bad news: Luna will have to perform some serious spin control as Newland on live television which leads to the most spectacular true death in the entire series. Remember the old woman who swallowed a fly? Sam, as a housefly, flies down Rosalyn’s throat and shifts back to his human form! This along with Paul Reuben’s death scene from 1992’s ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ film is one of the best true deaths evar!

Oh. Alcide kills JD while on better ‘V’ than JD is on; thus, becoming pack-master. Sorry I’m treating this as an afterthought, but that’s how it felt. Alcide is a pretty cool character, but this confrontation felt very forced. I think it could’ve waited until one of the first episodes of season six.

Eric, Nora, Tara, Sookie and Jason make their last ditch effort assault on the chancellory after Eric, more or less, bluffs their way into the compound.
Jason kills a lot of vampires in the lobby (including the erstwhile Chelsea). After an ominous countdown, level two protocols are initiated, whatever that means. Luckily for Sookie, Jason, Luna, Emma, Sam and the hapless menu items in the cells it isn’t a security measure designed to kill anything that isn’t undead in the building by flooding the place with, I don’t know, cyanide gas. At least, not in this episode. After Jessica and Pam are freed, we find out just how much Tara likes Pam. How much? Let’s just say Tara didn’t give Pam a little peck on the cheek like she’d give to her sister.

And now, the end: Bill makes his final, screaming leap off the deep end into bat guano crazy by letting Salome know that not only was she was too power hungry to realize what was going on but that he had replaced Lilith’s blood with not-Lilith’s blood heavily, heavily laced with silver. Salome’s last words before Bill staked her were, “Lilith chose wisely”. Now, with Lilith’s blood in hand, Bill prepares to become the chosen one himself. Fortunately, Eric and Sookie arrive just in time to talk Bill out of his plunge into nightmare. Ha ha. I’m kidding. Neither Eric nor Sookie can talk Bill out of drinking the remainder of Lilith’s blood. And, of course, Bill reminds the weeping Sookie that “Vampires often turn on those they love the most”. Of course Bill drinks Lilith’s blood and almost immediately turns into a blood irrigation sprinkler just before he sploots most horribly into a puddle of goo. Eric and Sookie have just enough time to embrace before Bill coalesces into the avatar of Lilith from the pool of blood he melted into.

Sookie: “F..k”


See ya next season!

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