GAME OF THRONES: Sons of the… Harpy.

 

Episode 504 “Sons of the Harpy”

Mandatory intro comment: I somehow thought that I would see the forgotten direwolf sigil rising amongst the hideous tortured men of the Boltons, but it proved to be only wishful thinking. Not even a little puppy peeking amongst the dismembered bodies.

On with the show.

We have Bronn and Jaime, off to their chivalrous quest to save Myrcella from her wedding/playdate in Dorne. As they sail, Jamie mistakenly identifies an island, which turns out to be Tarth, Brienne’s home country. (We’d say, “yeah and what about it?” but Jamie has a very pensive, heartfelt look in a long and intense take that could only mean that those people who ventured a guess and said he was catching the feels for the lady knight could be right. Or maybe they just wanted to feature Nikolaj Coster-Waldau’s handsome face. Either way, I’d keep it in mind) Bronn, always the voice of reason (or at least, human honesty) wonders why they aren’t travelling in the true Lannister way, with golden ships and maybe a carnival like Rio’s, to which Jamie answers that the plan is to go in incognito, row to Dorne and take them by surprise. Makes actual sense, if anyone had been doubting Jamie’s military strategies.

They talk about Jamie’s allegiances and of course Bronn knows why Jamie isn’t just rescuing his “niece”. Just like we all do. And then Jamie says that if he sees Tyrion again he will murder him for murdering their father. (Makes sense, after putting his life in danger to rescue him from getting beheaded, right?) They row to Dorne and enjoy a delicious breakfast special of roasted snake (I’m not kidding), and before they can digest, they are already slaughtering some Dornish patrol (After feasting on their national symbol!) and disguising themselves as natives of the snake lands.

Now, not very far from them in Dorne, we are introduced to three of the eight Sand Snakes, Oberyn Martell’s bastard daughters. (I think “Sand” is the Dornish for Snow, last names reserved for bastards) And with the help of angry Ellaria, they have managed to capture the captain of the ship that brought our friends from King’s Landing. (I swear some things are just too easy in this show) So they decide to torture the captain because he dared to ask for money in exchange for information (Dorne really is very different to King’s Landing) and they feed him scorpions and torture him until he spills the beans. Long story short, the Sand Snakes now have to compete against Bronn and Jaime to see who can get to Myrcella first. Just like The Amazing Race, am I right?

In King’s Landing, the Small Council has urgently met because the bank of Braavos has started asking to be paid back the huge amounts of gold that it has been lending the Lannisters. And let’s be honest, there has been a lot of wedding expenses lately, so the lion-sigiled family has been having a rough time keeping up with their familiar motto.

Cersei keeps playing the perfect puppet master and refuses more money from the Tyrells, and sends Mace to negotiate with the big bank. To keep him busy. Along with Ser Meryn. Who nobody really likes, let’s be honest. Which only leaves Pycelle, Cersei and Qyburn as active members of the council and the Queen Mother addresses her wishes about wanting to make the council even smaller. (The Small Council has always looked like a very lethal game of musical chairs, even from the times of Robert Baratheon. And Cersei is like the little girl who always pulled the chair from under somebody’s bottom, so there’s no doubting who’s leaving the council the next time the music stops.)

Honestly, King’s Landing is just a plain mess. And it just keeps getting messier and messier since Cersei’s puppeteering has now placed the High Sparrow as the High Septon, so now she has the politics and the religion against the people. Or against the Tyrells, we’re still trying to figure that one out. The Queen Mother drowns in hypocrisy as she talks about how King’s Landing needs purging from the sinners, needs to fear the gods and a more rigorous ruling (Should have asked for some soap. For the people. And to rinse her mouth. Such a liar) and so the Faith Militant comes to life.

The Faith Militant is basically an Inquisition but a little less flamboyant, so we end up having an even crazier King’s Landing that now resembles a 13th century Spain. (Oh joy) So this new band of crazies (with Lancel Lannister at the lead, why not?) start storming the streets and singling out all the people that have attempted against the Faith. Including Littlefinger’s brothel (the jewel of King’s Landing’s crown) and they trash the place, paying special attention to a homosexual customer (Loras Tyrell can’t turn off the Jaws theme playing over and over in his head, we know where this is heading) And yes, the flower knight gets arrested, much to Margaery’s chagrin, who demands her sweet, little husband to free her brother (At this point, how sure are we that Tommen knows what sodomy is?) Tommen, of course goes to Cersei who tells her (gasp), she personally didn’t do anything, she didn’t arrest anybody. It was the Faith Militant, under the High Septon’s orders.

So little Tommen packs his toy sword and goes to visit the High Septon, who is too busy praying (for Loras to be confused and going through just a phase, maybe?) so he isn’t allowed through. And of course, he will not interrupt the prayers and he most definitely will not kill the guards just to talk to the Septon, so sweet Tommen, who has been dubbed the “Kitten King” by the social media, tucks his tail in between his legs and gets back in his carriage. (I swore I saw a pearly tear rolling down his rosy cheek as he turned his back on the temple) And the crowds also start calling him “bastard” and other very mean things, so I just really need one of the Baratheon kids to ask Cersei about their hair color.

Margaery got on Cersei’s nerves so Cersei told the High Septon who told Tommen, who approved of the Faith Militant, who messed with Loras, which angered Margaery, who told Tommen, who couldn’t do anything and probably cried. So now Olenna Tyrell has been called back into action. Seriously, people? You need Olenna to solve your problems?

Oh, and in Volantis, Jorah steals a boat to get to Meereen (but leaves money on top of the unconscious and now robbed fisherman) and Tyrion talks too much so Jorah punches him. The epitome of what everyone wants to do when someone talks too much, and there’s that.

Now, of course it’s never quiet up in our lovely Wall. Stannis, Melisandre and Stannis’ wife, Selyse (Yes, he has a wife. No, Melisandre is not his wife. And no, we really have no idea how to label Melisandre and Stannis’ relationship. Labels are bad, the Lord of Light says so) are talking about children and heritage and Fire Lady’s eyes glint like a kid’s in a toy store whenever Shireen is mentioned. Because she has Baratheon blood (Please tell me she ran out of leeches, please tell me she ran out of matches to light her crazy oracle fires) but of course, both Selyse and Stannis are oblivious to everything all the time.

In the meantime, Jon is trying to recruit more men to join the Night’s Watch and he begrudgingly acquiesces to send a letter to the Boltons to ask for men (Sam is there to tell him that just like he can’t indulge in anything fun for being a Crow, he now has to pretend that the people who murdered half of his family weren’t actually that bad) And now, if that hadn’t been terrible enough, Melisandre walks in and tries to get naked and all over the Lord Commander (not at all surprised by the nudity, but Stannis really needs to step up his game). But the Stark bastard remains faithful to his vows and to the memory of Ygritte, and Melisandre doesn’t take his rejection well and responds with the familiar “You know nothing, Jon Snow.” (Not cool, Fire Witch. Not cool! And too soon, why are you so terrible?)

On a more positive note, we get to see that Stannis has a heart after he warmly reassures Shireen that she is loved and wanted, no matter what. (Fire Witch, stay away. Take your leeches and go befriend some White Walkers)

Now, in Winterfell (that is still as fallen as ever) the obviously less creepy setting to meet the shady man that was madly in love with your mother, is the Stark crypts. Sansa knows about this since there is where she meets Littlefinger. They talk about beautiful but dead Lyanna while Petyr keeps eyeing the Stark princess like she’s the last Twinkie on Earth (we were so close to experiencing that, but Seven blessings to Hostess). And they talk some more and explain how, just like the war between Troy and Sparta, the last big war in Westeros could have been avoided if greedy Rhaegar would have stuck with his wife instead of going after Helena. I mean, Lyanna.

Right after this scene that has everyone’s internal alarms going off, Sansa realizes that Littlefinger is wearing riding clothes and he confirms that he is going away to King’s Landing because he was summoned by Cersei, thus leaving Sansa alone with the Boltons. Yes, you’ve heard it right. Petyr Baelish, with his undying devotion to Sansa, is leaving her alone with a group of people whose sigil is a flayed man. But without going that far, it was Roose Bolton who basically lodged a dagger into Robb Stark’s heart. (I can’t be the only one just screaming both internally and externally about this chain of events. There have been many idiotic things happening in this show, but this is just plain turning off characters’ instincts because the Sansa we know would never just acquiesce into this madness and neither would Baelish, who knows more than anyone. For Drogon’s sake…)

Basically, the whole thing is justified because Stannis is going to invade Winterfell soon and he’s so obviously going to win, therefore Sansa will be safe and proclaimed Lady of the North since she is a surviving Stark. (I don’t even know what else to say, except that I hope Sansa is still alive by the end of the battle, with her skin stuck to her body. Doesn’t matter who wins.) Oh, and Petyr kissed her on the lips, so I’m just trying not to gouge my eyes out.

And let’s not think that the other side of the Narrow Sea is actually peaceful and quiet. There’s nothing in this verse that’s peaceful and quiet, and if it is, it’s probably just a scheme. Our lovely Daenerys is getting a nice lesson on her brother Rhaegar (yes, the same lad from before who wouldn’t stick to his wife and started the big war). Turns out, Rhaegar wasn’t as crazy as everyone thought he was; he liked to sing and mingle with the peasants, and he was such a great singer that he got money and then he gave the money to the poor. Knowing the latter seems to relieve Dany, who seems to be counting the days until she shows a sign of dementia like all of those in her ancestry. (And so do we, we’re counting too. She’s too perfect.)

But duty calls and the Unburnt Queen has to tend to the day’s supplicants along with Daario (nice arm candy, bed warming Daario Naharis). Hizdahr zo Loraq won’t give up in his quest to get the fighting pits to reopen. Daenerys keeps denying his request until he brings out the “Panem et circenses”, in which basically, a good spectacle will keep the town from remembering how unhappy they are (and how there’s still an angry teenage dragon on the loose) and over this, the Mother of Dragons seems to be rethinking her decision.

But there’s no time to focus on that, since those Venetian super-warriors dubbed the “Sons of the Harpy” are still wreaking havoc and more bloodthirsty than ever. They kill a Second Son and apparently are friends with all the prostitutes because they are helping them hide. (I’m starting to think that maybe the Meereenians are just a masochistic city that just can’t be satisfied by anything). The Unsullied quickly come to the rescue, Greyworm amongst them. The Harpy seems to have many Sons because there’s golden masked men everywhere, ambushing the Unsullied.

And here comes a thing that had everyone trembling in their seats. Up until now, the Unsullied seemed superhumans that couldn’t get defeated, and they are falling like dead flies against the Sons of the Harpy. So if the Unsullied can’t defeat the Sons of the Harpy without getting their behinds dragged all over the Meereenian floor, then who in the Seven Gods’ name is going to keep Dany protected? We just don’t know. But things keep getting crazier and crazier once ser Barristan comes to the rescue and promptly gets lethally stabbed. Just like that. In a dirty alley. And Greyworm comes to his aid and forget the fighting abilities, he is overpowered too and wounded. We don’t know if he’s gonna make it. We don’t know what is going to happen. All of this madness seemed to have popped out of nowhere (the dead Unsullied agreed) and we are facing rapidly building climaxes in all the storylines of this show.

Until next episode, I will rock myself back and forth in the corner. Valar Morghulis.

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