GAME OF THRONES: Kill the Boy… It’s not like we’ll be surprised.

 

Episode 505 “Kill the Boy”

The intro is starting to get too familiar. It’s still fascinating. But there’s more pressing matters at the moment.

Like Ser Barristan Selmy being dead for once. Yep, you heard it right. Barristan the Bold, one of the best swordsman of the Seven Kingdoms, was unceremoniously murdered by a bunch of freaks that looked like they had just escaped from the Cirque Du Soleil.

But Greyworm is still alive and Missandei is watching over him (Because we all know how deeply you can bond with your English teacher, right Eliza Doolittle?). Missandei comforts the Unsullied as he feels that he failed Ser Barristan (which he kind of did, along with the dead and alive Unsullied who were unable to defend ser Barristan. But Ser Barristan also failed himself) and we get a confirmation of something that had been mentioned in the previous recap: Greyworm and the rest of the Unsullied aren’t as much superhumans as we thought/and wanted them to be.

The Commander of the Unsullied confesses of having felt fear as he was getting stabbed. But not fear of death, fear of never seeing Missandei again, and she kisses him. (I don’t know if I enjoyed the romance as much as I would want to, because unlike any characters of this show, my priorities are in order, and before seeing Missandei and Greyworm frolicking in a prairie, I would like to see the Khaleesi’s safety guaranteed as much as possible. So, my dearest Greyworm, you’re allowed to show a little bit of humanity, but until you’re dismissed from service. I’m sorry, but it is what it is.)

Daario suggests using the great Khaleesi pyramid as a hiding place to defend themselves from the Sons of the Harpy, but Daenerys promptly refuses, having a plan of her own. Her plan consists in bringing all the leaders of the most powerful families in Meereen to the cave where she keeps her angry teenage dragons, and letting those angry teenage (and of course, objective, lawful and totally not starving) dragons decide the leaders’ innocence. Of course, one man gets roasted and snacked on, which serves to terrorize the other leaders. Nobody confesses or does anything useful, but Dany still locks all of them up. Just in case.

However, the Unburnt Queen seems to still be doubting her decision about the fighting pits, and she’s rightfully put in her place by none other than Missandei (she speaks all the languages, but most importantly, she actually communicates) who tells her that she’s young, therefore the decisions she makes are based on a mere lack of experience, so she closes off whenever something is unknown to her or she believes is wrong. (Standing ovation, Missandei from Naath, you are the MVP!) Luckily, Dany realizes that Missandei is right, which brings her to make the decision of reopening the fighting pits, but only for free men. Oh, and she will also marry one of the leaders he almost shoved into her dragons’ mouths, which turns out to be Hizdahr zo Loraq. (Who was just as confused as we were)

From the warmth of Meereen we now broadcast from the big, chilly Wall in the North. Maester Aemon worries about his great niece, because she seems to be all alone and with nobody to guide her (Missandei, though). There’s only two Targaryens remaining in the world and one is slowly dying, the other one misplaced a dragon.

Jon Snow seeks Maester Aemon’s advice as he is about to approach Tormund about an allegiance between Castle Black and the wildlings, and he knows half of the Night’s Watch will probably hate him for that decision. Maester Aemon reads our minds, telling Jon how half of Castle Black already hates him and should trust his gut and just do it anyway. (Perks of being the bossman) “Kill the boy, and let the man be born.”

So Jon goes to Tormund and convinces him, saying that in exchange, he will let the wildlings live south of the Wall. And with promises of horses, Stannis’ ships and their freedom, Tormund Giantsbane agrees. But (of course there’s a but) Jon has to come with him to fetch the wildlings. Have you ever seen a Lord Commander without his clique? I haven’t. That’s why Jon Snow is surely not wandering beyond the Wall alone. He tries to recruit his usual friends to help him along with his journey and practically fails. (We know that they said they would follow Jon to the edge of the world – quite literally – and beyond, but one thing is going beyond the wall to look for lost Crows and another thing is go beyond the wall to protect the people who killed the lost Crows and more. And by more I mean Ygritte. Wait, but that was Ollie. The mini Crow. My loyalties have been shoved in a blender, with lots of ice)

And so Jon goes off with his few brothers in arms while Stannis decides he will march to Winterfell the next day, without the wildlings, to take out the Boltons. And Samwell Tarly’s eternal quest for knowledge seems to be a little less hopeless once Stannis tells him to keep researching dragonglass to use against the wildlings. (The latter seemed important, I swear. It has to be, the Whitewalkers are coming and they keep snacking on the dead undeads that the Crows and wildlings are leaving behind. I really don’t think they know how all of this works)

In Winterfell (that keeps falling and falling and is now about to be residence to the Kardashians) Podrick and Brienne arrive at an inn where Lady Tarth proudly shows off her skills of being one of the only voices of reason in this show. Podrick, unlike many others, thinks that Sansa is probably safer now in Winterfell (WITH THE PEOPLE THAT MURDERED HER FAMILY) than with the Lannisters that were trying to kill her. (At this point, I just sit on the couch and tug at my blanket, because I’m going to grow bald if I keep pulling at my own hair. My voice is already hoarse from screaming at the TV like little children do when Dora the Explorer is on. “Dora! The fox is right behind you! RIGHT THERE, HE IS NOT EVEN HIDING!” And the comparison is disturbing yet surprisingly uncanny) But like we saw in a previous episode, there are still commoners loyal to the real Starks, so Brienne and Podrick come across one and convince him to deliver a message to Sansa.

Ramsay’s bed warmer, Myranda, is a crazy little psycho who is jealous and disappointed of the marriage between the Bolton and Sansa Stark. Apparently, Ramsay promised he would marry her when he was still a bastard and now they can’t, obviously. And they share a familiar conversation about what happens when people bore the Bolton heir, which effectively serves to shut Myranda’s mouth. (However, one can’t help but groan pitifully because it seems that Sansa has made yet another enemy and where are the direwolves when you need them?)

Later on, a loyal servant reaches Sansa and proceeds to tell her that if she ever needs help, she should light a candle and take it to the highest window of the broken tower at midnight. (Here is where we think that Brienne and Podrick will finally have something to do, other than waste oxygen) Sansa proceeds to wander around Winterfell (Alone, of course. Because she doesn’t have any enemies) and she comes across the lovely psycho bedwarmer, Myranda. The latter manages to remind Sansa about everything that she’s lost and delivers yet another cruel blow by taking the eldest Stark survivor to the kennels, where her former adoptive brother, Theon Greyjoy, is sleeping in a cage. And of course, Sansa didn’t get the memo that Theon is now Reek, so he doesn’t respond to her and she is rightfully repulsed by him and leaves.

But it’s Winterfell, so the fun doesn’t end there. Sansa is having dinner with the Boltons, after Reek confessed to Ramsay about her discovering his house in the kennels. Goes without saying, but Ramsay is being a humongous pain on everyone’s behind (even his father) and forces Theon to apologize for murdering Bran and Rickon (which he didn’t do, remember?) and right after, comes up with the idea that he should be the one to walk Sansa down the aisle at her wedding to Ramsay because he is the closest one to a family she has left. (The screams of anguish, frustration and disgust are real)

Luckily, Roose Bolton realizes that his now legitimate son is having too much of his favorite kind of fun and announces that his wife, Walda Frey, is pregnant with a boy, much to Sansa’s delight. (We are not sure that this is confirmed news, but that means that the new Bolton would technically be a pure-bred legitimate son, thus pushing Ramsay down as the numero dos in the line of succession. So Ramsay’s position has been threatened and he better behave) Bottomline is, Roose needs Ramsay’s help to defeat Stannis’ army, and the younger Bolton agrees to help after being moved by an oh-so-charming story of how his father raped his mother and almost drowned him as a baby. Oh, Westeros.

Jumping towards much warmer climates, Jorah and Tyrion are on their little boat headed towards Mereen. The Imp tries to be civil with Jorah and he finally loosens up, informing Tyrion that they are taking a shortcut through the ruins of the Old Valyria, that was once one of the greatest civilizations in the world. It’s incredibly beautiful and poetic, Tyrion reciting a poem about Valyria while Jorah joins in the last verses, and then the fog clears out and they see Drogon, flapping his majestic wings across the skies above the ruins. They are both too distracted by the dragon and the Peter Jackson cinematography to realize that there’s Stone Men (people who got sick with greyscale and turned into rock zombies, but not the good kind of rock) about to attack them.

A fight breaks out in their little boat; Jorah fights, Tyrion tries to fight and he gets smacked and almost drowns. He wakes up a little while later and all seems to be going well because Jorah defeated the rock zombies. (And I think at this point, nobody is surprised that nothing is going well, because Jorah appears to have been bitten by the rock zombies and is now a carrier of the greyscale virus. Ser Jorah Mormont, officially one of the characters with worst luck in this show, and that is saying a lot)

Whatever,

Valar Morghulis.