CHLOE KING Makes My Brain Hurt

THE NINE LIVES OF CHLOE KING
Season 1, episode 6: “Nothing Compares 2 U” (oh, my brain hurt a little just typing that…)

So, it appears Miss Chloe King and I have one thing in common: Brian will always be Kitty Hat.

But wait! This episode plays with the formula. Instead of training prologue, exposition, exposition, exposition, exposition, action sequence, emotional denoument {which could be rendered mathematically as CK=[t+ (e x 4) + A] – d}, this time we get [t + (e x 2) + a + e + a] – d {where a = “just a little action”} and the whole thing just makes me want to throw up my hands. How dare they mess with the formula?!

OK, I’ll get through this. Because, dear reader, I have a responsibility to you.

This week’s episode starts out like the rest of them: training with the Hoodies. Alex is teaching Chloe how to fight with a big stick. Because Chloe speaks softly, I guess. And this is when we start to see that Alex is jealous. Jealous enough to attack Chloe when her guard is down to make a point with a double meaning! Something about not trusting anyone and being vulnerable when her back is turned…. or something..zz.

Alicia Coppola is not in this episode either, so I’m only half paying attention. And Alyssa Diaz isn’t in this one, either. But they’re not missing anything.

Right. Onward. Chloe and Amy have chat in the hall about Paul’s faux pas last week (he showed up in Amy’s bed…) and Chloe sees Alek with another girl, and you think she’s jealous, but she’s not really because she thinks he’s about to take a human girl for some fun like those twins from South America who thought humans were sporting game that could be killed on a whim because they’re just human and they really don’t matter and — oh, no. Sorry. She’s Mai. Mimi. Alek’s old girlfriend from “last summer” (ah, those last summers… I remember a last summer once… wait. What kind of  a name is Mimi? )

Of course, the writers never really get around to telling us why she’s here. Oh, wait. That would involve assuming the audience needs to know these things. Never mind.

Back from the commercial break, we get a full close-up of Paul’s Captain America shirt (hey! Isn’t Captain America coming out — ? Ohhhhh.) Meanwhile, Amy is interested in this new guy, Jonah (that’s not foreshadowing or anything), who feels guilty about something. So Chloe’s Spider-Kitty-Sense says. Paul goes to find out what’s what, because that’s what sidekicks do: sneak around and get caught snooping, right? Worked for Tonto.

Kitty Hat comes in to make sure Chloe’s going with him to the stuffy formal art show, where there are stuffy old people wearing formal attire. Oh, didn’t he mention formal? Which gives us the obligatory Gilmore Girls Lite “What do I wear?” sequence with Mom. Am I the only one that did not know Mom had a crush on a co-worker? Rather convenient this is just coming into the story arc when Chloe’s going through the exact same thing… Huh. I thought Seventh Heaven was the only show that did that.

Brian’s getting ready, in a tux, futzing with his bow-tie, which is already done finished. Dad comes in to help with the bow-tie that’s already done finished tied. Brian hasn’t shaved. He apparently doesn’t get an allowance from Rich Bad Guy Dad. And oh, he invited a girl.

Now, watch carefully, folks, as this begins a rather long chain of scenes where the bad guys – Rich Dad and Simone, the new Order Redhead – keep just barely missing Chloe. It’s a dazzling array of almosts that we’ve seen in so many dozens of other shows. But the frequency of them here is almost comical.

So, at the stuffy art show with Brian (who still can’t find a bloody razor – wait. A bloody razor might be an improvement…) Brian sees Chloe from across the room, and she’s got the slow-motion reveal and the backlight making her hair a halo when there’s absolutely no light anywhere around that could be shining on her like that unless it was on purpose to give her the romantic “ahhh” halo….

And there’s a completely random minority older woman who says they look like a couple. This woman is only there to say they look like a couple. Western Union telegraphs better than this.

Brian keeps getting called away from his date – the sixteen-year-old – so it’s no surprise when she gets called away by Sidekick Paul, who’s followed Amy and Jonah into Chinatown (because isn’t Chinatown where every crime syndicate hangs out?). Jonah’s part of a secret illegal gambling ring, which turns Amy on, because it’s “dangerous”. Of course he’s going to get caught cheating. So Chloe gets a minor action sequence prefaced by her saying, “There’s a reason why superheroes don’t wear high heels.”

[Uhm, they don’t? Let’s see…. Wonder Woman, heels. Black Canary, heels. Zatanna, heels. Hawkgirl, heels. Susan Storm, heels. She-Hulk, heels. Ms. Marvel, heels…Yep, Chloe’s insight is fascinating… oh, wait. Those are super-heroines. Now it makes sense. Yeah, superheroes in heels would be a bit awkward, I guess.]

So, whilst all this mayhem ensues, Mom is on a date. There’s no point to this date. There’s no reason for this sequence of scenes to be in this episode except as filler.

The end of it all is Kitty Hat and Chloe standing with the Golden Gate Bridge behind them and he says he can’t be just friends because he’s — yes, he says it — falling in love with her. Chloe. The sixteen-year-old! College boy is falling for a sixteen-year-old. Every time I see these two on screen together, the words “STATUTORY RAPE” float through my head in bright neon letters that spray frosting and confetti.

Does this bother anyone else? Really? Creeps me out.

[Official Show Site at ABC Family]