Recap: PARANORMAL WITNESS Comes Straight “From H.E.L.L.”

Season 5, Episode 3: “From H.E.L.L.”
Directed by Russell Eatough

All photos courtesy Syfy unless otherwise noted.

I know, I know. We’re publishing our Paranormal Witness recaps out of order and you’ve been denied your sassified ghost stories and how are you supposed to keep these all straight and we’re the worst and you’re gonna die if you don’t get your recaps and did I mention we’re the worst?

Yeah, I know. I’m super, super sorry.

But we’re back now and we’re better than ever. More ghosts. More sass. More gifs. More stupid people who don’t know eVEN ThE most BASIC RULES of beiNG HAUNTED, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!?!?!?!?

Ahem.

What I’m trying to say is…

We begin episode three, “From H.E.L.L.”, in Texas, 1988. The Chavez family (Mom, Dad, and daughters Maria, Mel, and Jackie) have just moved into a new house. Immigrants from El Salvador, Mom and Dad Chavez don’t have much money, which means the three sisters must all share one bedroom. But the family is still excited for a fresh start.

Shortly after moving, the girls ask their mother for a new game called The Ouija Board.

At this point, I feel required to inform you that ouija boards are not exactly new. Commercially-made boards have been advertised since the late 19th century and the board’s design was born out of the Victorian obsession with Spiritualism and talking to the dead.

They are also a No Good, Very Bad, Super Horrible, Not Even Once, Please Never Do This idea.

The design is simple: a flat piece of wood or cardboard or paper or something, on which is written the alphabet, numbers 1-9, the number 0, and usually “Yes”, “No”, and “Goodbye”. Users sit around the board and put their fingers on the planchette, a heart-shaped piece of wood with a hole in the top. Users ask a question and the planchette will mysteriously start moving to spell out the answer.

Supposedly, the planchette is moved by the power of a paranormal entity. Skeptics, however, usually chalk it up to the power of subliminal suggestion or that one jerk friend who has to ruin everything for everyone.

Seems innocent enough, right? Surely, no harm can come from just playing around with a couple pieces of wood, right?

Yeah, sure. If you don’t mind LITERALLY INVITING DEMONS INTO YOUR HOUSE.

The thing about ouija boards is that they create an insecure form of communication. Much like going onto the internet without a firewall, a ouija board may connect you to a friendly spirit, but there’s no way of knowing that what the spirit says is true. So you could be talking to your Great Aunt Carol, who hand-raised orphaned deer and baked you cookies every day. Or you’re talking to Jimmothy the Third Demon of the Underdark, who plans to possess you and force you to watch Trump and Clinton’s first debate every minute of every day until you go insane. You just don’t know.

At least, that’s what the believers say. It’s probably just that buttface friend of yours messing with you. Right?

Right?

So anyway. Apparently, Mom has never read a book about 19th century Spiritualism, because she goes and buys a Demon Telephone for the girls. Maria reads out the three rules of the ouija board, which include not playing alone and not playing in your own home.

But the Chavezs are all “LOL #YOLO” and immediately start using the board in their bedroom. After not receiving anything interesting, they abandon the board for other pursuits.

Meanwhile, Mel starts middle school. As everyone knows, middle schools are nothing but holding pens for the terrifying, vicious beasts that are preteens, where the weak are weeded out and only the strong survive till high school. True to form, Mel is having a hard time, having no friends and being hounded by the school bully.

Feeling isolated and depressed, Mel turns to the ouija board for comfort. Yeah, she plays with it by herself. In her house. Just like the instructions said not to. I’m sure nothing bad will come of this.

Mel: Hello?

Demon Board of Demonicness: Hi.

Mel: Can you get rid of this bully for me?

Demon Board of Demonicness: I WILL DRINK YOUR BLOO- I meeeeeeeean. Yes.

Mel: Sweet.

The next day, Mel’s teacher announces that the bully has been expelled. Mel is pretty stoked about this and runs home to talk to the board some more.

Mel: Omg, mysterious creepy board, you’re the best!

Demon Board of Horrors: FEED ME YOUR TEARS *ahem* I am your friend.

Mel: This seems totally normal and fun!!!!! ^^

Later on, Maria watches her sisters while her parents go on a date. While in the kitchen, Mel hears footsteps in the backyard. Soon, the footsteps move to the upstairs, terrifying all three girls. Maria, being kind of a BAMF, picks up a shoe as a weapon and leads them upstairs to confront the intruder. The footsteps stop, however, as soon as they open the bedroom door. Rude.

Mr. and Mrs. Chavez come home. As the girls talk to their mother, Dad’s eyes roll back in his head. Somehow, everyone fails to notice this. But they certainly notice when he begins to get angry and snap at everyone.

As time passes, Mel talks to the board more and more, ignoring her sisters and schoolwork. One night, she wakes up to hear footsteps coming towards her bed. When she gets up, a ghostly hand grabs her leg and tries to pull her under her bed. She escapes, screaming loudly enough to wake the family.

At this point, Mom has had enough and decides to throw the board out (because Mom is a smart woman), ignoring Mel’s fury.

Apparently, Mel refuses to acknowledge her mother’s good sense, because she makes a new board out of letters cut from magazines. You know, like a serial killer or something.  “Are you there?” she asks the board. “Um, yeah, duh, I’m possessing you. Where else would I be?” the board responds. (Citation needed.)

At some later point, Mel and Mom walk by the living room and suddenly see…well…I’m honestly not too sure. It looks like Dad is standing in a beam of blue light, chanting in a mysterious language and occasionally turning into a haggard old woman for a second or two.

Mom’s response to this frankly alarming state of affairs is to tell Mel to go pray for her father. Which seems like an….inadequate response? Like…lady…your husband is standing in some weird blue light and literally turning into an old woman. And you want your kid to just…pray about it? And let me be clear, I’m fine with the praying and all. But maybe like…idk…also call someone? The police? The ghostbusters? A priest? Anyone? Bueller?

As time progresses, Dad becomes ever angrier and more combative. One night, he starts becoming very aggressive with his wife. Mel asks the board to make her father go away. As if propelled by an unseen force (coughDemonBoardSpiritcough), oldest sister Maria grabs the family gun and points it at her father, demanding that he leave them alone. Mom pushes Maria’s arm so that Maria shoots the ceiling instead of committing manslaughter.

Now I know that Maria is likely possessed right there. And I certainly don’t condone gun violence at all. But I must admit, Maria has pretty much cemented her badass reputation for me at this point.

Mom, also being a badass, ain’t gonna deal with this b.s. anymore and takes the girls to live in an apartment. Mel, of course, takes her Serial Killer Demon Board with her.

During one of their creepy chats, Mel asks the ouija spirit where it comes from. Because apparently, she never thought to ask the origins of a spirit who can make both bullies and fathers “go away” in various horrific ways.

Mel: So like…where are you from?

Demon Board of Spook: F-R-O-M H-E-L-L, Y-O-U I-D-I-O-T.

Finally deciding to be not-stupid, Mel runs from the room in terror. Hearing a glass shatter, she turns back and sees shredded bits of paper covering the floor. She feels compelled to reach under the bed and pulls out the original ouija board that her mother had thrown away. For some reason, she decides to keep this to herself instead informing an adult.

That night, Mom wakes up to a loud pounding on her bedroom door. She looks through a hole in the door to see the SUPER CREEPY SCARY face of a haggard old woman. As suddenly as it starts, the pounding disappears.

Being far braver than I am, Mom does not immediately burn down her house and leave the country. Instead, she stays and, the next night, prepares dinner as though there isn’t a flipping demon haunting her family. She doesn’t even stop when Mel sees the, again, VERY SUPER CREEPY SCARY old lady in the corner.

But since demons don’t wait for dinner, Mel passes out and begins flailing her arms about, while strange purple marks appear on her arms and face. When normal doctors find nothing wrong with her, Mom takes her daughter to Alice the Curandero (traditional healer).

Alice: What appears to be the problem?

Mom: Sh*t’s messed up. Like, real messed up.

Mel: *is possessed*

Alice: Cool. Sit in front of this mirror, please.

When Mel looks into the mirror, her face is replaced with the spooky demon woman’s. Alice is remarkably calm about this.

Alice: What are your hobbies?

Mel: I sleep…eat…

Alice: Those aren’t hobbies, kid.

Mel: I play with the ouija board…

Alice: Well, folks, that’s your problem right there.

Mom calls her husband and tells him to destroy the ouija board while Alice performs a traditional healing ceremony on Mel. After this, the Chavez women’s lives return to normal.

All in all, this episode seemed a little lackluster. While the demon hag’s face was definitely creepy-looking, it didn’t appear very often and was mostly used for jump-scares. And while jump-scares are fine in and of themselves, I’m an absolute sucker for the “creepy thing walking slowly behind the unsuspecting victim” like we saw in “They Are Mine”. So the overall lack of spookiness was somewhat disappointing.

On the other hand, I am all about Mom Chavez and her ability to take absolutely zero crap from anyone. Daughter seems scared because of ouija board shenanigans? Throw the damn thing out. Husband becoming threatening? Leave his ass. Daughter becomes possessed? Send that creepy hag back where it came from.

It is, perhaps, best summed up by Mom herself: “The evil spirit wanted to split up my family and it succeeded. Maybe it also wanted to take my daughters, but it didn’t succeed.”

Mom Chavez 4 Prez.

 

Paranormal Witness is currently on hiatus. We eagerly await Syfy’s announcement of its renewal.

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