Oh, Mai. Chloe King: Meouch.
First, in the interest of full disclosure: Being a white guy in his 40s, I’m not the target demographic. Clearly.
Knowing I’m not the target audience, and having not read the books by Liz Braswell (who originally used the pen name Celia Thompson, but now doesn’t…), I went into this with eyes wide open to my ignorance of this storyverse. And that’s fine, because with the pilot, everyone gets introduced to the characters all over again, because it’s TV. And there are newcomers.
And since this is the pilot, and since there are newcomers to the show, I’m going to get fairly detailed in the recap later. Don’t expect it for every episode. Please. Really.
First, a relatively spoiler-free overview:
Chloe King is atypical teenager who has identity issues. Adopted from the Ukraine, she doesn’t know her heritage. With only two friends (she says…), she wants to be “not boring” and have a little adventure as she turns 16.
Little does she know that upon said birthday, she starts to manifest strange powers beyond those of mortal men. She’s suddenly got super-hearing, and speed, and dexterity, and Parkour skills! And claws!
Naturally, this freaks her out and she tells no one. Not even her best friend.
Of course, the flip side to this, is that her new cat-powers also give her a bit of a flirty side, and she goes from wallflower to hussy, practically throwing herself at three different guys. Well, OK, two guys. The other one throws himself at her. But it’s a technicality, at this point, because the three guys all factor into the plot. Which involves Chloe finding out there are people out to get her! (obligatory gasp here) OMG!
It is “OMG”, right?
So there’s this guy she calls Kitty Hat, who comes into the store where Chloe (ahem) works part-time. And buys a hat that makes his head look like a kitty cat. See how that works? This is Brian.
And then there’s Alek, who’s the hot basketball jock who suddenly has a thing for Chloe, only there’s another girl who stops him from making his move. His girlfriend? No! His cousin! So that puts him back on the market. Yay.
And then there’s Xavier. Poor Xavier. He needed a red shirt.
Now, the more awesomely detailed and clever spoilery recap with a heavy dash of Snark.
From here on in, there are SPOILERS. You’ve been warned.
So the whole thing starts out with Chloe running through the woods. Which means shaky handheld camera work. And lots of panting. And swish-pans to find the two characters in Hoodies who are chasing Chloe. And instead of pulling out her cell phone and calling … I don’t know.. 911… she runs to the tower in the middle of the park (ok, park, not woods, because woods would just be too clichéd, right?). Up to the highest point of the tower, still not using her cell phone, and after the camera circles around Chloe to establish that she’s completely alone, she turns to find Scarface behind her. And he pushes her off the tower!
And she dies. Crunch. This is the teaser.
Now, I’m on board with this so far. I can accept this as a setup. I know she’s going to die because it’s all over the previews.
But then they come back to the show and she’s in bed stretching like a cat, toasty warm and alive, and the graphic TWO DAYS EARLIER appears. I HATE THAT CRAP!
It’s lazy writing. I’ve never been impressed with any writer who has to resort to that kind of gimmick to get an audience into a story. I didn’t like it on “Castle” or “Star Trek: The Next Generation” or “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine” or “Stargate: SG-1” or “Stargate: Atlantis” or “Smallville”…
You get the idea.
Now, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel when I see Amy Pietz as Mom. Cool. I’ve liked her since “Caroline in the City” (I’m married. It’s a “watch with the spouse” show…). So they have a little confab over the breakfast table that feels like they’re trying really hard to channel the Gilmore Girls. Only they’re not. And it’s painfully obvious they’re not. Pietz does her best with what she’s got, but it’s not a lot with which to work.
I’m going to skip the whole birthday scene between Chloe and her two friends, because it’s clunky and tepid and everything we’ve ever seen before in any story where the protagonist just wants Something Life-Changing to Happen…
…so they go clubbing.
16. In a night club. And of course she doesn’t get busted. And of course she meets hot guy Xavier, who won’t tell because he’s not supposed to be in there, either! This is where we giggle, maybe? The sole purpose of this scene is to establish that Skyler Samuels can gyrate and rub her hand through her hair. And outside the club, when he asks her to call him (who calls anymore? Doesn’t Xavier know that texting is the new calling?), it’s the perfect opportunity for the iProduct!
Apple is all over this episode. And it’s not as organic as it could be. It’s either blatant on the part of the production team, or they’re so inept they didn’t realize their lack of subtlety. There should be a drinking game for this… Call it iDrink: the Game.
And as she goes off by herself (having been ditched by her two best friends), she’s being watched by Scarface.
Now, we get to the best part of the hour – the Blackberry Playbook commercial. This combines a direct competitor to the iPad (remember Apple is all over the show) with clips of X-MEN: FIRST CLASS combined with Queen’s theme to FLASH GORDON.
Flash! Ah-ahhhh!
[youtube=http://youtu.be/STw4zti94iM]
OK, now back to the show (do we really have to?)
Girl talk between Chloe and Amy.
And then they’re at school, and Chloe suddenly has the power to throw Alek’s basketball all the way down the hall into the trash barrel. She shoots, she scores! And suddenly Alek is interested, and he makes a move on her. But he’s foiled by Jasmine, the dark brooding one played by Alyssa Diaz (“Ben 10: Alien Swarm”).
After school, Chloe wanders the store where I assume she works, and there’s another Apple product – this time an iPod – shoehorned into the plot, and then Kitty Hat Guy – Brian – comes in and Chloe melts because this guy is hot, too, and oh my gosh I think I’m going to justscratchmyeyesouthelpmehelpmehelpme…
[deep breath]
Brian is so awesomely cute, that Chloe now has the ability to leap onto a car in time to avoid getting pelted by a bike messenger. (We don’t actually see the stunt. It’s a combination of sound effects and trick editing, and viola! She’s on the hood of the car.)
Remember the flashback in Superman Returns, when Clark figured out he could run really really fast and leap over things and then he could fly? Chloe has that scene next, complete with slow-motion running and Parkour with no training and leaping atop buildings. And after her powers awaken, we have the obligatory shot where she’s looking out over the city with her hair blowing in the wind. The mighty, mighty wind. Winds of change?
If only.
I’m going to skip the rest of this act, because it’s girl talk. Until the bum rushes Chloe, and her claws come out, and… scene.
There’s nothing like clawing a homeless guy to make you appreciate Mom, and that’s where Chloe goes – home for a hug. There’s another “Gilmore Girls” lite scene were it’s revealed that Dad left 10 years ago, and Chloe’s adopted, and Mom has no curiosity at all after Chloe says she and her friends went dancing (“Wait. You’re sixteen. Where exactly did you go dancing?”)
At the store the next day, Amy calls Xavier on Chloe’s behalf. Only Xavier (remember he should have been wearing a red shirt?) sadly, is no more.
Chloe and Kitty Hat Brian go get a coffee (because every 16-yr-old drinks it, right?) and a dog flips out at her, and Brian says “Let’s do this again sometime” and Chloe runs off.
Which brings us back to the chase through the park and the tower and the running and the panting and the hoodies. And we can recycle footage for about 8 minutes to fill time because the writers are just too lazy to make us work for anything.
Now, remember Scarface pushes Chloe off the tower. She falls to her death. There are people all around, some even screaming “Call for help!” And Scarface comes down the steps in plain sight and runs off. No one tries to stop him. And when Chloe gets up, after being.. you know, dead… no one freaks out? Just a little? No one with a camera on their phone?
And where are the police? Where’s the follow-up?
Hoodie folk actually turn out to be Alek and Jasmine, who are cousins. And they’re part of the Order, trying to protect Chloe, who is part of a race called the Mai. And since she died and came back to life, then that must mean she’s Anakin… erm, the Uniter. The Uniter will save the entire Mai race (Maian? Mayan? Wait…)
[I’m almost done. Promise.]
Scarface meets with Rich Bad Guy. We know he’s a rich guy because he drives up in a big expensive car. And we know he’s bad because the car is black and the music is moody. And the windows are tinted. Rich Bad Guy says to Scarface: “Kill her as many times as it takes.” The dialogue: riveting.
So Amy and Paul have this thing going now, only Amy is freaked a bit because they kissed and now Paul isn’t returning her calls, and Chloe doesn’t have time for that because she has to utter the absolutely most clever line: “I think I died yesterday.”
Turns out Scarface has Paul, and Chloe walks into a trap (knowing it’s a trap. I’m sure she had Ackbar’s number.) And Hoodie Crew go in after her, and there’s a big fight. And Scarface can flip and pull a sword out of his jacket. [Wait. If he was just curled up for the flip, how did he –? Nevermind.]
So girls fight Scarface while Alek unties Paul (because this is a Girl Power show) and they all get out, but Scarface gets away to kill another day.
But zounds! Turns out that since Chloe is a Mai, she can’t mate with human boys. In fact, kissing one will — gasp! — Xavier is dead because Chloe kissed him. He really needed a red shirt. Chloe freaks.
And then, Zounds! Kitty Hat Brian is the son of Rich Bad Guy!
And then, Zounds! Mom has a box under the bed! And it’s got stuff about Chloe. Which means Mom knows more than she’s letting on.
And then, Zoinks! Chloe gets an e-mail from Dad saying “Trust no one.”
Oooohhhh……
No, wait. Oooohhhh……
The writing on this show is hackneyed at best. Amy Pietz needs to be on the phone with her agent, because she’s just not getting anything good of late. She’d better get something more to do, or she needs to find a way out of her contract. There’s nothing original about this show. Nothing. Noth.Ing. At all. And really, how many times has the Disney crowd gone to the well on this? Yes, it’s ABC Family, but you know who owns them.
This is a show that doesn’t have its legs, will never find its legs, and if it does find its legs, needs to be chopped at the knees. The acting is OK, but there’s no depth to these characters at all. They all took a Brooding 101 class before shooting this show?
Alyssa Diaz is the most notable cast member, and she’s just playing the one-dimensional Tough Guy at this point.
Remember when I said the best part of the show was the Blackberry Playbook commercial? I meant it.
Flash! Ah-ahhhh!
