Episode 308 “Terms and Conditions”
Written by Charlie Craig, Directed by John Showalter
Because there was a two-week break, before tonight’s episode, let’s go over the jarring realizations, deception, and distinct lack of a certain major character in “Terms and Conditions” (And no, it’s not the one you think).
We’re in Arkadia, as Bellamy (Bob Morley) and Pike (Michael Beach) partake in some secret evil villain stroll. Or they’re just walking. I don’t know, I’m salty. Monty’s bitch mom (Donna Yamamoto) is talking on the radio to some other evil person I don’t care about when they arrive. Apparently they lost contact with one of their recon teams, which might have something to do with the blockade Lexa ordered before her untimely and undeserved demise.
While they’re discussing their villainy, two grounders arrive on horseback, carrying a message: Surrender Pike, and the blockade goes away. Bellamy is not a fan of this message, and lets them know by way of bullets. Unfortunately, Bellamy has fallen victim to the Grant Ward Effect, getting progressively hotter as he becomes more evil. This is a problem for me emotionally. Where is Abby? She would have never allowed this to happen.
Shortly after the double homicide, Bellamy, Pike, Monty (Christopher Larkin) and his mom are discussing how much food they have left, which is none. Pike thinks this will all be solved by proving Kane (Henry Ian Cusick) is a traitor or something; I’m not really listening because whenever Pike talks I just hear the “whomp whomp whomp” adult sounds from Peanuts. What I do hear is he and Monty discussing “camp-wide surveillance”, aka sneaky spying. They do not know that they’re being sneaky spied on, by Kane, Miller (Jarod Joseph), and Harper (Chelsey Reist). Harper!!! Ever underappreciated, ever in my heart. They listen to Pike’s speech with grim faces and discuss their plans going forward. This leads to Harper delivering my thus far favorite line of the entire series, “Or we could just shock lash Pike’s fascist ass and hand him to the Grounders.” (This, by the way, is probably the smartest thing any character has said all season. Why isn’t there more Harper, again?) Still no sign of Abby.
Kane disagrees with this plan because morals or whatever. While that’s happening, Jasper (Devon Bostick) is trying to bargain with Sinclair (Alessandro Juliani) for more booze, because he is the worst. Instead of slapping him upside the head, Sinclair simply cites Pike’s new resource rationing until the blockade is lifted. While that’s happening, Jaha (Isaiah Washington) and Raven (Lindsey Morgan) are trying to find out what happened to Polaris. They’re sure it landed in the ocean, which we know to be untrue, but they don’t have the access to flashbacks that we do. Jaha’s solution is to sacrifice some more virgins to ALIE (Erica Cerra) or whatever, because of course it is, and that’s when they find Jasper in the middle of a temper tantrum. And I cannot imagine any scenario in which Jasper is not a virgin. Where is Abby?
Pike is taking stock of Arkadia’s ammo with the help of Miller’s hot boyfriend (Jonathan Whitesell), whose name is actually Bryan I think? Sure. Pike laments that Abby didn’t stock up on ammunition during her Chancellorship, but of course insulting Abby Griffin in any way instantly summons Kane, who comes busting through the wall like the Kool-Aid man to jump to his wife’s defense. He requests a sidebar with Pike and immediately tears into him for thinking they have enough bullets to stop the Grounders. That is some Jaha-levels of crazy, to be honest. He entreats Pike to turn himself in and end the madness — Madness, I say! — but Pike, understandably, is not down. He thinks sacrificing himself to the Grounders would be just as effective as sacrificing Finn was; which is to say, not at all. But of course killing Finn did accomplish one thing: saving Thomas McDonnell from this garbage fire of a storyline.
Where. Is. Abby.
In the giant computer room, Raven has lured Jasper to her aid with promises of liquor. Also, are we just not talking about Jasper’s underage drinking and alcoholism? No? Okay. Fine by me. She enlists him to help break into Pike’s office and grab Jaha’s chip maker so they can make more true believers. Raven can’t be seen doing it because she’s already linked to Jaha, but Jasper is so far associated with nothing but vodka. “For what it’s worth I think you’re more than that,” Raven assures him. Oh, Raven. He isn’t. Jasper agrees to help try and crack the passcodes set by Monty, because betraying his former best friend sounds like a grand old time. Have I mentioned how Jasper’s the worst? Where is Abby??
Kane meets up with his new children, since Bellamy’s a dick and Octavia is MIA. Harper, sweet and diligent angel that she is, alerts them to Pike’s newest scheme-hatchery over their sneaky spy bug. They are discussing in detail their newest plan to kill Grounders for no sane reason, to the dismay of Miller, Harper, and any decent person. This does not include guns (Bellamy’s favorite thing), but it does include land mines, because villainy and terrorism and oh, I’m so tired you guys. I’m just so freaking tired. They keep discussing their plan while we pan over and see Kane’s listening device in plain view! They’ve found their sneaky spying device! It’s a trap! Where is Abby????
Kane gets his anti-trap plan started with Sinclair, which makes perfect sense. Sinclair, who is everyone’s best friend, would obviously be hella down with Kane, who is also everyone’s best friend. Squad up. Unfortunately they are being sneaky spied on by Monty, who deserves better than this, gdammit. He relays this information to Bellamy, who tells him to stay with Sinclair and see what they’re up to. Where… is… Abby…
What Sinclair is up to turns out to be tampering with the rover mentioned in Pike’s plan (which, remember, is a trap). Bellamy & his henchmen catch him, because apparently he’s high up enough on the villain ladder to have some of his own. Sinclair is captured and detained. Nooo! My rabbit wizard! Where is Abby??????
Pike walks in after Sinclair has been unsuccessfully questioned by Bellamy and Monty’s bitch mom. He tries to get him to talk but to no avail, because Kane’s Best Friend Squad is made of stronger stuff than Pike’s Douchey Murder Patrol. Pike asks more questions and gets more nowhere. This leads him to ominously ask for Bellamy’s gun. This does not make Bellamy as hesitant as it should. Why kill the rabbit wizard? He has harmed no one, and done nothing but bring presents to the children. However Pike doesn’t use the gun the way one would expect, and instead uses it to smash the sneaky spy bug. Monty’s mom throws around the idea of “floating” the traitor. But, in a rare moment of not-abhorrentness, Pike disagrees and throws Sinclair in prison. Which is… better, I guess? WHERE IS ABBY??
Raven and Jasper are still trying to crack Monty’s passcode with the help of Raven’s ALIE hallucination. So far they’ve come up empty; either because Monty is a beautiful genius or because Jasper is the absolute (or Absolut?) worst. Raven’s suggestions all get shot down until Jasper conjures up a memory of him and Monty getting stoned in space and generally being way less terrible than they currently are. They would have great highversations about Earth, leading the ALIE hallucination to crack the five-letter code. EARTH. Really, Monty? Really? You know what, I can’t even do this right now. Now that Raven and Jasper have the code they dip. Where is Abby.
Meanwhile, Monty is checking out the rover Sinclair tried to tamper with to see how tampered with it was. Not at all, it turns out, but Monty is still le sad. His mom tries to cheer him up, but it’s difficult since she is also the worst. Monty talks about how Sinclair was his mentor and recruited him into engineering (I’m serious, Sinclair was tight with everyone. Rabbit wizard of friendship), and how betraying all of his friends sucks total butts. His mom is still dedicated to her terrible pep talk. “Down here I’ve learned that if something helps you survive, it’s always the right thing. Pike taught me that.” This is not as comforting as she seems to think it is, as Pike is a literal bag full of slime. Where is Abby??
Sinclair is unfortunately locked away, but that leads us to Lincoln (Ricky Whittle)! Lincoln!! My precious child! My ray of sunshine and hope! My broad-shouldered marshmallow muffin! How I’ve missed thee. He buddies up to Sinclair right quick, because they are both magical heroes in a giant camp full of suck. Lincoln asks Sinclair what he did to get locked away, to which Sinclair replies “Whatever it took. I have a message from Kane.” Wait, what?? The trap was a trap???? Daaaang. Mind = blown. Sinclair tells Lincoln that it’s all going down tonight, and I marvel at the Best Friend Squad’s delightful perfidy. Still no sign of Abby, but she’s coming, right? RIGHT????
In the bay, Kane and his beard look contemplative. They are interrupted by Bellamy, who it seems has just shown up to brag about how easy it was to catch Sinclair. “Spying on your friend, that was easy?” Kane asks, who seems to be really having trouble grasping the whole hotness/evilness ratio thing. Bellamy also blames Kane for Monroe’s death, which is a solid reach even for him. The entire conversation is pretty reminiscent of every father/son movie ever, in which the son turns his back on his father’s wishes. “You’re giving up your dream, Son!” “No, Dad… I’m giving up yours.” Where is Abby.
And now, for a scene I thought I would only get in fanfiction. Miller and his boyfriend!! Being loving and cute and living together! Honestly, my heart can barely handle it. I don’t deserve this. I feel like I should go to church. I know they’re actually having a conversation, and I should listen to it, but I’m too distracted by Miller getting screen time and lines and domestic bliss. But all is not blissful it seems, as Bryan is suspicious as to why they no longer work the same guard shifts. Of course, we know it’s because Miller is part of the Best Friend Squad and Bryan is in the Douchey Murder Patrol, but he couldn’t possibly know that. Bryan thinks they should both stand behind the Chancellor. Miller thinks the Chancellor is a douchecanoe. They agree to disagree and Miller leaves for his shift. As they kiss goodbye I can honestly feel my heart leak out of my eye sockets. We are so blessed. What a time to be alive. Still no Abby.
Actually, strike that. Bryan is not as in the dark as we thought he was, in fact bugging Miller under orders from Bellamy. How could you, Bryan?? After everything we’ve been through?? All combined four minutes of screen time? You should be ashamed of yourself and your family. Perhaps this will open the door for Minty (I hope and pray). He does seem guilty however, which pleases me. That’s right, suffer! “Is it worth lying to someone I love?” he asks (!!! Sparkly heart emoji), to which Bellamy responds “it is if you’re protecting them.” Does even Bellamy believe the BS that Bellamy is spouting anymore? Stay tuned. Where the hell is Abby???
Let’s check up on Raven and Jasper’s Terrible, No-Good, Very Bad Plan, shall we? They’ve successfully broken into Pike’s office to find the chip maker, and for the second time this season Raven basically breaks the fourth wall. Jasper, like Pike, also notes the similarities between this situation and the one in which we lost Finn. This does not evoke a proper reaction from Raven — or in fact, any reaction at all. For literally any other character, this would lead them to worry about their friend’s safety and well-being. However, Jasper merely longs for the same mind-numbing, Kool Aid-ey bliss. He only wishes to remember the good things, like (he assumes) Raven remembers Finn’s giving her her necklace, and their first kiss. Only then does Raven realize she remembers none of those things. Much like Jaha forgetting his own son, Raven can’t seem to remember her first love. This sends her into a jarring realization; which, unlike Jaha, she uses to bring herself back into reality. Because unlike half the characters in this episode, Raven Reyes is not the worst. She refuses the orders of her ALIE hallucination, and warns Jasper they can’t let her have what she wants; presumably until she can find a way to explode it. The real Raven is back, y’all!! However Abby is not.
Looks like the Best Friend Squad’s plan is about to come to a head. At the same time Kane has a meeting with Pike, Sinclair summons Bellamy to the holding cell for an apparent tattling session. Sinclair pretends to cooperate, Kane does not. Bellamy appears to fall for Sinclair’s shenanigans, Pike does not. As Sinclair is negotiating, actual Angel of Light Lincoln picks a tussle. This tussle turns into a full-blown fracas as Lincoln appears to knock the living caboodles out of Sinclair and his rabbit wizard face. I would be shrieking in emotional turmoil if any of this was real. However it’s not, as we’ve seen before, Sinclair is a low-level baller. Bellamy orders the doors opened, falling right into the Trap’s Trap’s Trap (and getting his ass beat, which I ain’t mad about tbh). All the Grounders descend on the guards in (completely justified) murder-rage, and several of them even manage to escape before the alarm sounds. Where is Abby???????
That’s the signal for Kane to take Harper’s dazzling advice and shock Pike’s fascist ass into next Unity Day (big ups, Harp!). While the prison brawl rages on (hopefully preparing Ricky Whittle for his new role in American Gods), Harper relays to Kane via radio that the Best Friend’s Squad’s plan was a success. Kane doesn’t have time to revel in his victory, though. He’s busy tossing Pike’s ass in the back of a rover. Unbeknownst to either of them they are being sneaky-spied on by Monty, who should be rethinking his entire life right around now. He unsuccessfully tries to warn Bellamy, who is in the middle of a Bar Brawl and cannot be reached. Eventually he gets the message, and runs his fastest villain run. Did you know hot villainy also allows you to break the laws of physics? Because that’s the only way Bellamy could have possibly beat Kane’s rover to the gate on foot. Either way, he does. There’s a Mexican standoff as Kane probably recalls all the father’s day mugs Bellamy has given him over the years, while Bellamy almost certainly sings “Cats in the Cradle” in his head. In the end, neither of them can go through with it, and Kane is arrested.
Later that night, Jaha and ALIE are scheming and being crazy. They both grossly underestimated Raven, a mistake that has brought many to a fiery and explode-ey demise. “Free will and the need for consent are part of my core programming. I cannot override them,” laments ALIE. Oh, boo hoo, you can’t manipulate a disabled woman to do your bidding/commit high treason for you? Cry me a holographic river. Jaha thinks he can still psychobabble Raven back into the fold. Jaha is going to get blown up. ABBY WHERE ARE YOU?????
In the least surprising anything ever, Pike and the Douchey Murder Patrol are sentencing Kane to death for treason. Kane is taking it shockingly well (I believe he draws power from his beard). He still tries to negotiate for his life and Pike’s surrender, to (again, un-shockingly) no avail. During the sentencing, Bellamy looks like the kid trying to choose which parent to live with after the divorce. Only instead of parents they’re two multi-ethnic politicians, and instead of divorce it’s treason and murder. Being that my parents are still together (and alive), I’m having trouble empathizing with his problem. Although I am still very conscious of his hair. He makes a brief and attractive attempt to negotiate with Pike, but it fails miserably. Because, more than any other character in this episode (and entire show), Pike is
In the ending sequence:
- Bellamonty reunite, looking somber and contemplative and hot.
- Kane is trotted out through the halls and into Good People Jail, to join Lincoln and the Rabbit Wizard and all the other characters who deserve better.
- Raven looks over her necklace and tries to conjure memories of Finn, presumably by fantastic hair or repeatedly bashing herself in the head (Finn’s only outstanding qualities)
- Jasper somberly jams out to Maya’s first gen iPod. I tried pausing it to read the song, but it really doesn’t matter, as I am simply going to resign it to being “Burnin’ Up” by the Jonas Brothers (too soon?)
- Harper, Miller and Bryan are lounging by a fire where Miller and Harper exchange a meaningful look that makes me long for a spinoff. They can solve paranormal crimes and resurrect all the characters that didn’t need to die.
At the end of it all Monty asks Bellamy what they plan to do about Miller and Harper and their role in Kane’s Best Friend Squad. Keep in mind that Miller used to be Bellamy’s right-hand man and BFF, and Monty and Harper bonded in Mount Weather over their Ocean’s Eleven shenanigans. At that moment Monty’s mom decides to show up and declare that she’s proud of them both, which in and of itself is a wailing ambulance warning noise. She asks them if they identified any of Kane’s allies, giving them the perfect opportunity to throw Marper (Hiller? Ugh, no, both of those suck) under the bus. But before Monty can say a thing, Bellamy assures her that they didn’t find anyone. It’s not clear whether she believes him, but it doesn’t matter! Bellamy’s back, you guys! And he’s not the worst anymore!!
Where the hell was Abby???????????????????????????????????
The 100 airs Thursdays at 9/8c on The CW. New episode March 31.