Season 5, Episode 1 “No Sanctuary”
Dustin: Laaa Laaaa la la la la…
Timothy: What are you doing? Why are you so happy?
Dustin: TIM!?! How did you get in here!!
Timothy: It’s The Walking Dead Night. Did you forget? And good god man, where did you get all those chicken nuggets?
Dustin: I… liberated them…
Anne-Marie: I think I saw something about this on the news…
Dustin: HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE!?!
Curtis: We came up the back porch. That really is a lot of chicken nuggets; do you have any chips?
Dustin: I need better locks.
Timothy: It’s almost time for The Walking Dead. Shouldn’t you put on pants?
Dustin: I’LL PUT ON PANTS WHEN I’M GOOD AND READY!!
Timothy: Right. Would anyone like to recap what happened last season on TWD?
Curtis: I… would like some of those chicken nuggets.
Anne-Marie: Fine. The Prison was destroyed and the group was separated. Everyone was sad or depressed or sociopathic. Children were murdered. Babies cried. The group headed for Terminus even though we were all pretty sure it was a bad idea. They got to Terminus. It was a bad idea, but everyone was reunited.
Dustin: That was… actually pretty great, Anne-Maire.
Anne-Marie: I do pay attention. Now go put on pants.
Dustin: … Fine.
Timothy: Do you have any predictions for us? Oh Great Dusto.
Dustin: I’m done with that. I hung up my turban.
Anne-Marie: Aw, come on, for old time’s sake.
Dustin: Don’t you start.
Curtis: Do it! DO it! DO it!
Dustin: FINE!! Predictions:
- Rick and the gang will spend more time than is comfortable in the train car.
- Carl will continue to not be the worst thing that ever happened.
- Something terrible will happen to someone we love.
- No Carol and Tyrese this week.
- Baseball bats.
Timothy: Oooookkkay… that was… generic.
Dustin: It’s because I don’t like doing it!!
Anne-Marie: Do we need to call the wah-mbulance?
While Dustin is putting on his pants, I’ll just take this time to remind the folks at home about how we do things here. Dustin – who is still pants-less, by the way…
I’m going! Sheesh!
… gives us the recap in his inimitable style…
Which is not for children.
… which is not for children, true, but neither is The Walking Dead…
And statistically, being a child on this show means a short life-expectancy.
… also true, and oh look, he’s back. With pants.
Nope. Mr. Curtis Smith and Miss Anne-Marie Zarrelli are also here as you can see, and they shall be Twittering for us this evening.
Someone outside the train car is screaming as people cower inside. It’s a different group. Oh wait; it’s the people who are in charge of Terminus, Garret and that other sexy guy and Tasha Yar in her terrible wig. They talk about how they are good people and whoever has imprisoned them are evil.
I suspect that we’re going to have a hard time feeling sympathy for the people who plan to eat our people.
Cut to Team Zombie in their train car. They are updating each other about what they were all up to during the last half of season 4 as they get ready to fight back.
The Terminus people are on their way. Oops — tear gas.
Smoke!! Sounds!! Rick gets a boot to the face and a bunch of people are taken into Leatherface’s butcher shop.
OK, have to give the Cannibal Brigade credit here. Popping off the top of the car is pretty effective.
Rick is zip tied to a trough in the middle of the floor, and yeah, the people in Terminus eat people.
Here’s an answer to the question about how much we were going into horror territory this season. That’s… really creepy, and effective. Everyone is just so matter-of-fact in the butchery.
It’s The Medic, Rick, Daryl and Glenn and four randos all zip tied to the trough. A guy with a baseball bat comes up and bashes in the head of one of the randos and another guy comes and slits his throat. All the randos are bashed and cut, Glenn is the first member of Team Zombie to be threatened.
[Editor’s note: By the way, we do have a Pinterest account you can follow.
It needs to be updated… I should get on that.]
They’re all so used to it. That’s creepy.
Oh, here comes Garrett. He is keeping an expense ledger and he’s being kind of anal about the number of bullets they used to catch Rick and the gang.
I hate to go right to the Nazi comparisons, but this whole banality of evil thing is really disturbing. And disturbingly kinda funny. Which is disturbing.
Glenn is about to be baseball batted but Garret is a stickler for the numbers and it keeps getting put off.
The Medic tries to convince Garret not murder them, but Garret is not having it. Damn he’s sexy.
I’m not sure that it’s a good thing that you find the Cannibal Prince sexy.
Garret wants to know where the bag Rick buried is. But Rick isn’t talking. Garret takes out a big @#$%king knife and threatens the medic for the bag. Rick offers to take Garret to the bag and tells him it’s guns so he won’t stab The Medic on the face. Rick tells Garret he plans on murdering the @#$% out of him.
OK. If you’re just going to bash someone’s head in and slit their throat, how, exactly, is threatening to stab them in the eye a credible threat?
Gunshots. They are really teasing us so hard with smashing in poor Glenn’s head.
Oh, there are Carol and Tyrese and Lil Ass Kicker. Carol says she won’t be staying at Terminus, but before he can ask any questions, a walker comes out of the woods. Oooh, she in bad shape. Tyrese STILL can’t kill walkers and there is a giant group of them. Carol and Tyrese leave the railroad track to hide.
Tyrese really is going to have to get over this no-killing thing, especially the no-killing-the-already-dead-things thing.
They stumble into the woods as walkers stumble onto the train tracks. They are about to continue right on to where Carol and Tyrese are hiding, but then there is gunfire in the distance and the walkers change course.
That baby is adorable, you guys.
Combine that with your attraction to Garret, and I’m going move a liiiiiiitttle bit further away.
When the walkers have passed, Tyrese and Carol climb out of their hidey-hole and decide to go check out Terminus.
There is a guy setting up fire crackers. But he comes off as a jerk. He’s kind of hot, too. He talks about Michonne’s sword and Carl’s hat in enough detail so that when Carol comes up she knows who he is talking about.
He’s talking on a walky-talky, by the way, not doing some random talking-to-himself monologue. It is a touch convenient that he’s talking about just the right things at the right time, but Carol makes it all work.
Carol decides to go to Terminus and save the rest of Team Zombie. She leaves Tyrese and Lil Ass Kicker with the Idiot Hot Guy.
Tyrese: Because somebody has to be the babysitter.
Carol. Becomes @#$%ing Rambo. Covering herself in walker goop and blending in with the herd until she gets to Terminus.
Can I just say how great it is to have her closing in on Terminus, knowing that she’s going to reign hell upon them? Because it’s really great.
Meanwhile, Tyrese and the Idiot Hot Guy are talking about Lil Ass Kicker. The Idiot Hot Guy monologues about the Time Before and how he can’t remember the stuff he used to do… Tyrese tells him he isn’t used to the new world, and the Idiot Hot Guy tells Tyrese that he is a good guy, and that is why he and the baby are gonna die today.
God, this is stupid.
You just don’t like Tyrese. In all fairness, this isn’t the Tyrese we need or want, and if we were being really uncharitable, we could talk about how this show handles black characters, but we’re liking how things are going, so maybe later, but! Tyrese! Just smack the schmuck!
Does human flesh make you kind of hot? Discuss.
No. You’re just weird. Very, very weird. All the weird.
Carol in her walker disguise comes upon Terminus just in time to see Rick and the other men of Team Zombie being taken into butcher’s shop. She takes out her gun and watches. Then the herd arrives.
Carol then uses all the awesome in her arsenal to blow up a @#$%ing tanker and get in to Terminus.
Meanwhile, Tyrese and the hot idiot are talking about how maybe Carol is dead. The hot idiot is really getting on my nerves.
See? Cannibals are terrible. Stop lusting after them.
In Terminus, Garret goes to find out what all the noise is about. He sees that walkers are getting in to Terminus. Tasha Yar is super sad about it.
The butchers are kind of losing it. Rick kills the @#$% out of them.
OK, that’s not even remotely good enough. The butchers freak out, and Rick uses the sharp piece of wood to cut his zip-tie and then he kills the @#$% out of them, in a smooth, efficient, this-is-Rick-not-being-a-wishy-washy-whatever-anymore badass moment.
In the train car no one knows what is going on outside. Eugene tries to do something dumb. Michonne sees walkers and smiles.
Heh. I do love it when Michonne smiles.
Smoke and screaming.
Carol makes her way in and takes out some guards.
Team Zombie gets untied and explores the butcher shop a bit. They discover the full scope of the cannibalism, including the fact that they are butchering the kid that was accidentally shot at the end of last season, even though he was one of them. Rick says to kill everyone. Everyone grabs a weapon.
It looks like Daryl just broke a metal rod with his awesomeness. I think most people watching this show are pretty sure that that’s exactly what he did.
Out in the yard, there is someone trapped in a train car. Glenn says they have to save that person, because they have to be the kind of people that save the other people, so they go do that.
Unfortunately, there is a crazy @#$% in there and he is immediately eaten by zombies. Daryl and the others hide from the walkers.
And for the kids at home? We all laughed when the crazy @#$% got eaten.
Carol enters a room full of stuff the Terminus people have taken off bodies. She finds her husband’s watch that she gave Rick, along with Daryl’s crossbow. She takes those items and heads out.
Yeaaahhhh. Look at her face. Everyone is Terminus is so going to die.
Rick and the Team Zombie men are basically pinned down. Rick makes a run for it and gets to a place where the Terminus people are pushing the walkers back. Rick attacks the last person on the line, kills him and takes his gun. Then he shoots all the Terminus people in the back.
Hey, remember when we just wished Rick would stop being so hesitant about everything?
By the way, the Terminus folks are crap shots here. The head. Shoot them in the head, not the body. How are you all still alive?
Carol is going through the worst haunted house ever. She’s having all sorts of feeling. Then, TASHA YAR comes out and she and Carol fight. Carol gets the upper hand, Tasha Yar cries and tells her that this place used to be a good place, but they kind of went crazy after being overrun by marauders.
This is kind of amazing.
You mean Carol not killing her and just shooting her in the leg so that when the zombies comes in she has no way of escaping? Yeah. That’ll work just fine.
Walkers are arriving at the cabin where Tyrese and the Hot Idiot are. The Hot Idiot proves to be an actual idiot by threatening Lil Ass Kicker. He tells Tyrese to give up his guns and go outside.
I was half expecting Tyrese to charge him anyway, but do any of us believe that this is the end of Tyrese?
That hot idiot is so gonna die.
The idiot is about to stab Lil Ass Kicker but Tyrese comes through the door and wrestles him to the ground. But he still won’t kill him. Or… you know… says he won’t as he beats him to death.
The camera angle made me think that we were going to see Tyrese come through the wall, but this works too. We should also point out that we see the aftermath outside, where the walkers have pretty much been, for lack of a better word, slaughtered.
Everyone in the train car has taken up knitting. Sasha asks Eugene what the cure is. But he won’t say. Eugene tells them that he is the only one who understands the cure.
Eugene tells everyone that that he was at a place with stuff and says a bunch of gobbledygook. I hope he dies forever.
The way he describes it makes me think he was the janitor at an office party where everyone had too much to drink and talked a little too much. I’m going to have to look him up in the comic… can’t remember his back story.
He does have a fondness for fighting fire with fire. Considering we all want him to die in a fire, this seems appropriate.
Rick lets the team out of the train car and everyone uses their makeshift weapons to go for it!!
The team escapes and Terminus burns.
Rick says they have to kill the other people at Terminus but everyone else tells him to leave it, Carol emerges from the shadows and Daryl hugs her.
And the Carol/Daryl shippers go insane.
CAROL WINS ONE MILLION HUGS!!
Here’s the hug that we needed though, when Rick grabs her and holds her tight. The Family is back together, and while all may not be right with the world, for this moment…
She takes them back to the cabin where Tyrese is leaving with Lil Ass Kicker. MOAR HUGS!! Smiles all around.
I… I’m not sure what to do here. Team Zombie is having a good day, and I’m liking it. And did you notice? Tyrese is keeping himself in-between everyone else and the cabin… anyone else thinking the inside is a touch… messy?
So now we’re all really back together. Now we have to figure out where to go next… Washington, D.C., anyone? So it’s back to the railroad track for us. Rick uses some gore to rub out the message of hope that Terminus represented.
Back in the past, the Terminus folks become all crazy.
And then a mysterious figure appears, his face covered, walking up to the sign Rick changed. He pulls back his hood to reveal… Morgan.
How is it you can never remember Morgan, Rick’s friend from the first episode?
He was the crazy one from the town that Rick should have taken everyone to, instead of staying at the Prison of Doom, right?
You do remember him.
Of course I remember him. I’m just messing with you.
And yet you can’t remember pants.
Shut it, you.
Nope! And now it’s Prediction Time!
I hate you all.
You got two right. Carl wasn’t terrible, and baseball bats were involved. Not bad.
What, you actually want me to make fun of your predictions?
Stop pouting. It was a good episode.
It was. I’m really happy with how this is starting up. I really don’t want to go back to watching this show with hate.
None of us want that. OK folks, thanks for reading… We’ll see you all next week!