Season 3 Episode 1 “Seed”
[photos: Gene Page/AMC]
Welcome Back, Ladies and Gentlemen, as Mr. Adair and I, along with our trusty Tweeter, Mr. Smith, and our very own studio audience, shamble our decaying corpses back into the world of AMC’s The Walking Dead!
Are you ready sir?
I am ready!
Have you any predictions for this first episode of Season 3?
Really. Just going to watch the episode and see what happens. I’m looking forward to seeing what happens to our intrepid band of survivors of the zombie apocalypse. Goodness, I certainly hope they are all alright.
Dear god, he’s been replaced by a Pod Person!
There he is! Whew!
Anyway! Here is what happened last season…
Ahem. The following contains SPOILERS, inappropriate language and behavior, and general naughtiness. Reader discretion is advised. You hath been warned.
Whatever. As I was saying:
Everyone was awful and talked too much.
Lori was selfish.
Rick killed Shane.
Carl killed him again.
Andrea was abandoned only to be rescued by Michonne, who is a straight up ninja bitch.
I think there was a little more to it than that.
And you would be wrong. Suddenly!! Zombies!!
I was kind of hoping that Curtis’ dream would come true and this year we would have to deal with goblins, but twas not to be. At least these zombies are not bothering anyone, they are just standing around in a house.
That is, until Rick and Theodore bust in and start busting heads. They dispatch the zombies easily then Team Zombie starts to ransack the house for supplies.
Oh, Carl is helping with the search, he has a big freaking gun, which he can shoot real well. Who knew?
Well, if you’re going to let the horrid child wander around unsupervised, why not give him a gun?
Actually… that does make sense.
I can’t believe I just said that.
You did. But! The house is empty of supplies. Upstairs, Daryl bags an owl for dinner.
The rest of Team Zombie enters the now cleared house. It has been enough time for Lori to swell greatly with child, but not for Carol’s hair to grow out one inch.
In the kitchen, Carl finds some cans of… what is that?
Really? Ok then. Dog food that someone either overlooked, conveniently or otherwise.
Apparently the cast has lost the gift of speak. I am ever so grateful.
They are strangely quiet. The sound is on, I can hear music… is there a separate audio track we’re missing here?
Seriously, is Carol bogarting the scissors?
Rick comes in from wherever it was that he was hiding and sees that Lori and Carl are eating the dog food. He throws a temper tantrum about the canned goods.
No one looks at him.
Theodore spies some approaching walkers and they bug out…. Back to their surprisingly shiny cars? Hey did you know you can win one of those shiny cars? WELL YOU CAN!!!
THE WALKING DEAD IS BACK, BITCHES!!
Oh, I like the new opening…
Yep, it’s pretty cool.
We stop in the street to discuss how terrible our situation is. Apparently Team Zombie is being followed by a herd of walkers at least 150 head strong. They have been circling the area for the last couple of months.
Hmmm. Yes, because that makes perfect sense. The people in cars can’t get away from the dead people staggering along at less than normal walking speed because um, crap. I got nothin’, ’cause that makes no sense at all.
Rick and Hershel have a discussion about how pregnant Lori is and then Rick and Daryl go a-huntin’ where they find the prison IMMEDIATELY. Apparently they have been driving in circles around it like idiots for no reason.
Really? The prison we saw in the background in the last episode? The prison that would have signs that say something like “Prison” down by the highway Team Zombie is on? They’ve been wandering around long enough for Lori to get that big, and they haven’t found it until now?
Well, these are the geniuses who did so well looking for a little girl in the woods last season… wait no, this is even worse.
Yeah, I’ll come back to it. Proceed.
Interesting. Ok, everyone heads up to the prison gates, where Rick cuts through the chain link fence and everyone hops through the hole. Lori is surprisingly spry for pregnant lady.
Lori is needing someone to show her how a pregnant lady moves. ‘Cause that aint it.
Glen and Daryl sew up the hole in the fence before any walkers get through. Everyone runs down that… little… area? Between the fences? To a gate where they discuss the best way to clear out a field so they can sleep in it.
No one has said more than 9 words… this is awesome!
Do we have new writers? We need to check, ’cause yeah.
Glen, Theodore, Daughter Fodder and Maggie distract the walkers while Rick makes a run for the gate.
I wonder if he’ll live? Nah. He’s only the star of the show.
Oh, wouldn’t that be an interesting twist… then it can be the Daryl and Theodore Show!
We can only dream, but no. Daryl and Carol shoot walkers from one tower while Carl and Hershel shoot from another and Rick runs to the final one on the other side of the yard.
Carol almost shoots Rick and it’s funny.
Rick gets to the prison’s interior gate and closes it. While everyone picks off the walkers in the yard.
I’m really glad they can just run back to Cabella’s for more ammo whenever.
Lori even had a gun that was weird. Also: Lori’s innie is totally an outie.
Lori’s preggo prosthetic is really starting to bother me. It’s… wrong somehow.
Everyone is happy . They end a tough day of putting down the dead by camping in their newly acquired fields eating… squab?
Rick and Daryl are standing watch while everyone talks about their future.
Daughter Fodder says something along the lines of the baby will be happy there to Lori and she bugs her eyes out at her in response.
Carol and Daryl flirt about how good a leader Rick turned out the be and then Daryl gives her a massage. They are totes boning, you guys.
It’s actually really sweet. The writing is really good there and the chemistry between the two of them is just about perfect. Kinda liking Carol right now.
Hershel asks his daughters to sing a song that they do the whole “Not that one Rick” thing from Casablanca before Daughter Fodder starts singing some song, which pulls Rick, Carol and Daryl off guard duty.
Damn your siren songs Daughter Fodder, if we are eaten by zombies, it’s your fault.
Lori is not eating the way she should. Rick is REALLY not eating.
Rick takes watch and tells them that they are going to try and take the prison. There could be supplies and other stuff.
Hershel brings up the fact that their magic ammo is almost gone.
So Rick says it has to be hand to hand combat!!
Two Zombies Enter! One Zombie Leaves!
Rick stomps off for no reason, and Lori follows him so they can talk about how she has to undermine every one of Rick’s decisions. Lori wants to talk about how she does not want to give birth without an epidural but Rick has bigger fish to fry. They bug their eyes at each other and part ways.
Clearly while we’ve been away, some of the Happy Couple veneer has worn off. She wants to talk about
“… things”. That conversation never goes well.
And seriously folks, Lori is NOT pregnant. No pregnant woman moves like that.
Meanwhile elsewhere: ZOMBIES!!
Michonne is a f**king ninja, she kills the sh*t out of some zombies before heading out the door.
Oh! There she is! Was starting to wonder if we were going to make it through this episode without seeing her again. Now, where’s Andrea?
Back at the prison, Team Zombie tries to take the prison in hand to hand combat. They do pretty well, too, no casualties. Even thought Maggie insists on wearing a tank top.
Well, she is an attractive young woman and this is a horror series. There are rules after all.
They make it to the prison door when they are beset upon by SWAT TEAM zombies.
Oh, I like these guys! And body armor does pose a problem for our heroes… but then these guys have those helmets on, which make it pretty hard for them to bite, doesn’t it?
Ye gods, that one has gas mask on. That might be the creepiest thing this show has ever shown. It’s almost “Silent Hill”-ish. In a good way.
Lori is concerned.
Team Zombie fight off the SWAT zombies and ONES WHOLE FACE COMES OFF!! It’s pretty sweet , you guys.
That was awesome! Well, Dustin and I thought it was awesome. Half of our studio audience (Ms. Anne-Marie, to be specific) was not overjoyed, if her expression is anything to go by. But hey, if the effects team was going for gross, I’d say she’ll back that.
After an intense fight, they finish off the zombies and have a look around. Looks like things are moving pretty smoothly for good old Team Zombie.
Yeah, so that’s probably a bad sign.
Into the prison we go. It’s kind of a mess, you guys. No one is particularly impressed. Rick heads up stairs and find a dead guard and takes his keys.
They open a door to another area of the prison where they find a wing that seems basically secure. Except for a couple of walkers in cells, that is. Daryl and Rick take them out before moving everyone else in.
Lori thanks Rick but he walks away all pissed off.
I think they made Daughter Fodder younger… like, YEARS younger. She flirts with Carl before Hershel puts the kibosh on that.
It is kinda weird. I suppose they are the closest in age to each other, and it kinda makes sense that he could have a crush on her, but she is a little flirty.
Everyone moves into cells. Maggie and Glenn check each other for bites. It’s pretty sexy.
If by that you mean covered in zombie goo and filth, sure. Anybody check to see if there is running water in this place? I mean, surely a shower would be appreciated.
Everyone is overcome with melancholy, or however that is spelled.
Elsewhere Michonne continues to be a f**king NINJA. She heads back to the deer cooler that she, her pet walkers and Andrea share. Apparently Andrea has like, the flu, or something but Michonne has the situation WELL in hand. These two have some amazing lesbian chemistry.
They head off to look for a safer place for Andrea to rest up.
And we have a time reference! Was wondering about that. Apparently we’ve had a winter pass in between seasons, and right now I am tempted to reach into the television and smack every single one of these idiots.
This is a perfectly normal reaction for you when it comes to this show, but why, exactly?
Remember me saying I’ll come back to it?
I’ll come back to it.
Tease. Anyway! Back at the prison, Rick, Hershel, Theodore and Daryl look at the SWAT zombies’ stuff. It’s pretty gross with Zombie ooze. Carol comes to get Hershel, Rick pretends to act concerned about his wife and unborn child, but no one believes it.
That was a pretty pointed look Carol gave him. They may all think Rick is doing ok with the leader thing, but the husband thing? Not so much.
Lori thinks she lost the baby. She and Hershel talk about how gross it would be if that happened. Lori really hates being on an episode of A Pregnancy Story: Post Apocalypse Edition. She makes Hershel promise that if she dies, or the baby is dead, he will not hesitate to end both of their un-lives.
Lori feels super sorry for herself.
Wow. I think this might be the first moment I really like Lori. This was a good speech, terrible fake tummy aside, and Lori is pretty… sensible? Is that the right word for this? Anyway, I am periodically reminded that the actress here is not as bad as the writing has often made her seem.
They are about to look around the rest of the prison… and Rick leaves Carl behind because someone has to be the man or something stupid.
And apparently they need Hershel for some reason, despite the fact that they are walking into a dark enclosed space full of undead zombie monster thingies, and there is a woman who is about to have a baby. Aaaaannnnnnyyyy minute now.
Team Zombie continues to display excellent planning skills.
It’s a total horror movie set, you guys. Dead bodies, no light. Maggie (at least she has sleeves on this time, you guys.)
Somehow Rick found a can of spray paint to mark their way. Everyone is super freaked out. Hey, where are the zombies?
Why Dustin, don’t you remember the Stealth Zombies? That amazing breed of the undead that waits until they are right behind you until the make any noise of any kind?
Oh, there they are. Zombies, like, a lot of them. So much for all their teamwork, everyone runs around like chickens with their heads cut off, but there is nowhere to go.
Maggie and Glen get separated from the rest of the group.
Suddenly, the zombies all disappear and Hershel, Rick, Theodore, and Daryl got to look for Glen and Maggie.
OH CRAP!! HERSHEL IS BITTEN IN THE LEG!!
Everyone freaks out.
They find some locked doors and in a panic, they break their way through. Luckily there are no zombies around in the new room, so Rick drops Hershel on the floor while Theodore holds the doors closed.
Oh, there’s all the blood ABC wouldn’t let Once Upon a Time have.
Ladies and gentlemen, you missed Dustin and Anne-Marie discussing the relative bloodlessness of Once Upon A Time. The short version of the conversation is Once… needs more blood, or at least there needs to be a transition show on Sundays, to ease Anne-Marie into the gore of WD.
I’m sure the networks will get right on that.
Anne-Marie has just given me such a look.
Rick ties off the wound and takes out an axe. Then he cuts Hershel’s freakin’ leg off.
Oh, and there’s other prisoners left in the prison.
Dun Dun Dunnnnnn!!!
Exactly. Now, this “I’ll tell you later” thing?
Right. So, remember last season and the horrible search for Sophia that wasn’t?
Remember how the physical logistics of the woods and highway and farm just didn’t make sense?
I do. How you went on and on about it.
Schmuck. Yes, well, it’s even worse now.
Oh, you mean the fact that we saw the prison in the distance at the end of last season, and yet, over the course of what probably has been 3 or 4 months, they just now found it?
Yes. Worse than that though. So they were in this nearby town at the beginning of the episode, right? A town that, it seems likely, is the town where the prison guards would live. A town our heroes were searching for supplies in. A town that would have… road signs. Signs that would probably say something like…
Prison: 5 Miles ahead?
Exactly. And if not the town, then Team Zombie was driving down the road, yes? A highway, near a prison, that would have…
A road sign? Saying Prison: 5 Miles Ahead?
Mmm hmmm. Look, we live about an hour away from Fort Leavenworth, where the big military prison is, and there are signs EVERYWHERE for the place, 10, 20 miles out, and then all over the closer you get to it. You literally can’t miss it if you’re on any road going into the town. So, unless our heroes have no sense of direction at all, and essentially have been moving in a circle for the last 3/4 months, or are compete idiots…. Ann-Marie’s theory is correct.
And what’s that?
That the zombies… are stealing the road signs.
Oh my God… it’s, it’s…
It’s time for the lesson of the episode!
Oh jeez. You take a pass on the predictions, and I still have to come up with the lesson?
Fine. Right. Ok.
Don’t follow Team Zombie… they have no damn idea where they are going.
See you next week kids!